Milieu of Me

Well this morning I popped another positive pregnancy test.  Then I ran like an idiot to the dollar store to buy a whole bunch of pregnancy tests.  The test this morning was positive but it was lighter than the test yesterday, which has sent me into a tizzie today.  I tried to switch doctors to get someone to give me a blood test, and yet again they can’t get me in until Monday, and the hospital is 25 minutes away.  I might as well stay where I’m at.  That doctor thinks it’s not the shot though, so I’m feeling…. honestly.  I just. Want. A . Damn. Blood. Test.  I can’t do this going back and forth, I am, I’m not, I just want to know.
I’m tired.  Exhausted.  I’m grumpy, moody, out of control. I FEEL pregnant.  I just can’t trust myself to feel this out.  I’m frustrated, beyond frustrated.  I hope this is all worth it.

There are some things you can never prepare for.  Yesterday morning, after getting a negative pregnancy test the day before, I got a positive.  This morning I got another, although it was fainter than the first.  I immediately became neurotic, and started freaking out.  Was it too soon?  Was it fine?  Was this the HCG shot in my system?
I consulted Dr. Google this morning and it assured me this is normal, and it happens to lots of women.   SO many things affect a pregnancy test, and a positive is a positive.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Are you talking to me?  Are you saying that this is over, and now I can step into the next phase of this?
I am due June 17th.  However I would like to remind you that twins often come between the 37th and 40th week of pregnancy.  I had two (three total) very large eggs from lefty, so the possibility of twins is there.  The possibility is higher, especially since I’m so early in getting the positives.
Okay breathe here.  One thing at a time.
SO my middle sister called this morning at 10:30.  I thought my grandma was dead, or if not, she was pregnant.  She said, “I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to blurt this out.  I’m pregnant.”  Then she started sobbing, she’s so sweet, and was terrified of telling me because of all the stuff we’ve gone through trying to have a baby.  I talked to her at length about how I’m sorry it’s hard to tell me, I’m sorry she’s upset, I’m sorry she had to worry about telling me, I love her endlessly, and it’s going to be okay.  I love her, she’s my sister, and I reminded her of how things went with my other sister and losing Gabriel.  It will be okay.  No matter what happens.  Oh, and I told her I’m pregnant too.  Then I said MAYBE.  When my other sister called to check on Grant and see how I was I told her too.  I told them both I’m not holding my breath, and then I gave her the same speech I told my sister.  If one of us miscarry; it’s going to be okay.  I said it’ll suck, and sometimes we will be sad, but we’ll love each other through it.  At the end of the call she was in a much better state of mind, besides all the puking she’s been doing, and honestly it’ll be okay.

I’m sure everything will turn out okay.  I love my family, regardless of their choices, just like they’ve loved me regardless of mine.  I will continue to love them, no matter what.  AND I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT!  YES!

I’m cooking dinner.  Enchiladas, and warming up the side dishes.  The boy are playing like crazy, just like every night.  We have an awesome routine we’ve hammered out around here as of late.

The wee one startes running from room to room, pulling his wagon of Lego’s behind him.  He does this OFTEN, and it’s like some weird baby ADD thing.  Tonight he was running back towards the living room, from the kitchen.  He turned back to look at his wagon, and ran full speed into the door jam, cracking himself on the head.  As he fell he cracked the other side of his head.

Naturally he started crying, the boy was right there.  I was filling the dishwasher, and didn’t really see it happen, but heard the cry and headed over.  I took him from Greg’s arms, and he started really crying.  It was a cry I hadn’t heard before, something awful, and I watched him carefully to assess what was going on.  As I walked with him, and as I cuddled him he pushed back, arching his back, and his eyes started rolling back in his head, and he passed out his body convulsed in a weird contortion.  The boy had run to shut off the music that was blaring and, I yelled, “Please call 911, he’s out, and I don’t know what to do.”  As I was yelling I was rubbing his back, bouncing him, and PUSHING DOWN THE TERROR RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY.  He came to, and cried and cried, but seemed to be okay.  The boy told 911 the wee one was conscious and we would just take him to the ER, and off we went.

At the ER they did a CT scan, since he passed out.  The chances were low for something to show, and in the car on the way he was starting to come out of it and be himself.  He wouldn’t talk, which worried me, but he was alert, playing around, and suprised he was riding in the front seat with me.  As we were watching cartoons in the waiting room he was playing and acting quiet but fine. The doctor commended us on how calm we were, and advised he would do just fine in the CT scan.  The whole problem was they strapped him down to the table, but luckily I wasn’t able to go in with him for that.  The boy stayed with him instead, but we were able to get it done without sedating him.

The CT scan showed nothing wrong, we were given a clean bill of health and sent on our way.

I’m sitting here now thinking, what HAPPENED HERE?  I was cooking dinner, the boys were playing, the normalcy was AWESOME.  I was even thinking what a sweet night it was, me cooking dinner, them playing.  Then in a microsecond everything changed.  I was holding a passed out, convulsing child.

I cannot tell you the absolute horror that ran through my body.  I was hystercial on the inside but on the outside I was calmly trying to determine if my baby was breathing, and rubbing his ribs, his feet to get him to come to.  It floors me as a parent, that I react the way I do in these situations.  Freaking out simply isn’t an option because I am the mommy.

The boy said, “WE ARE OLD NOW.” I smiled.  “We’re those old people, who have taken their kid to the ER to have a CT scan.”

I don’t even care.  I just am beyond grateful we’re at home, not at the hospital. And my monkey is sleeping soundly, and safely.

I found out about this book through the infertility network I’m a part of.  You can see my quote here.  Brilliant post, by some brilliant women.

http://01crazymomma.wordpress.com/

I think marriages, and all long term relationships go through periods of “drought” so to speak.  Not always the fault of the people in the relationship, but life just kind of happens.  The days are short, the list of things that needs to be done are long and the relationship, for whatever reason, gets put on the back burner.

Then there are the periods of “rain”.  Where things are good, you’re madly in love, and can’t get enough of one another.

My husband and I are in a rainy season.  Whether it’s the house, and our perpetual settling.  The wee one growing and becoming such a funny little person, or the trials of trying to conceive whilst infertile, the fact remains we are madly in love right now.  He thinks I’m funny, I am always giggling at him.  The kisses are many, the cuddles are tons, and the groping is completey inappropriate. :)  But fun none the less.

I think the biggest factor is we’re really hopeful this last IUI worked.  Naive silly things we are.

Anyway last night we were cuddling in bed, and having a “Remember when we…” duel.  We can do this for hours, there’s 10 years, high school, college, and a state move to pull from.  This list is embarrassing, funny, and always makes us dissolve into giggles.  The funniest thing is the boy was asked to talk about Prom yesterday when brainstorming for a client.  They asked him a bazillion questions, and then when the name, came up they said.  “Jenny?  YOUR Jenny?”

Sometimes in the daily grind, romance is lost.  If I’m being crude, I remind Greg he’s seen me give birth, and that just kills any romance brewing for him I’m sure. ;)  Life happens.  We’ve been through high school, college, leaving everything we know, countless jobs, seven deaths and five funeral, losing two of our own babies, financial disaster, parents getting married and divorced, siblings getting married, having a son, and raising him.  Some bad, some good, but at the end of the day, I still love him.  I’m still glad that God brought us together, regardless of all the crap.  We’ve managed rather well.  :)  And there’s no one else I’d rather manage well with.

WELL, today was an interestingly awesome day.  Let’s back up a minute.  The ultrasound on Monday morning showed that 3 of the seven made it, and my little lefty had the TWO 20 mm ones!  I asked them to give me my HCG shot in my leg because it swells up and HURTS. So that was awesome.  Two eggs surviving is amazing!

This morning I got up and went to the doctor for my first transfer.  .  So I woke up limping around because of the stupid shot in my leg, and CRAMPY.  I laid down in bed last night and told my husband I feel pregnant already!  Probably on account of those MONSTER eggs I’ve been growing.  Anyway this morning I went back, dropped of the sample, and sat in the waiting room.  When she called me back she took me through the lab, and LET ME LOOK AT THE SPERM UNDER THE MICROSCOPE.  I GOT TO SEE THEM.  It was the coolest thing EVER.  It looked just like everything you see on TV, with the little swimmer guys.  There were a ton, and they were going crazy.  They looked so pretty.  It was just amazing, I can’t believe I got to see it!  Anyway - then I got the transfer and off I went.

Today I’m SO tired.  Probably a combination of the HCG and the prometrium.  I couldn’t sleep when I laid down, I only slept for an hour or so.  Then just now I am SO nauceous.  And starving.  I’m so hungry.

And I am really crampy, and bleeding a little bit from the transfer.

We’re hoping this one is the one.  The best eggs, the best sperm sample, when they were doing the transfer they said they had ovulatory mucus which is GREAT.  Man, I just hope this works.  We’re so ready for this to happen it’s crazy.

And as for the puppy, since Grant has returned, I feel fine.  I think I just missed him.  My husband so kindly said, “Honey, it’s so cute.  It’s like you just can’t control your mommy urges, Grant was gone, so you went and found a little puppy to be a mommy to.”  He’s right, and I think my hormones are running rampant right now, and it’s interseting.  I’d not had such strong hormone reactions the last two times.  So no puppy.  In fact I’m glad my husband stopped that whole thing because I could not training a puppy…I’d be vomitting for sure.

So this afternoon, day two of my fabulous weekend alone, I decided I was going to go to church.  I then was watching TV, and changed my mind.  At MOPS on Thursday, they were talking about Petland, and how they bribe their kids to be good at WalMart with a trip there.  I thought about a puppy in passing for the first time then.  I thought about taking one out, dog hair everywhere, and quickly thought NO.  I don’t need that right now.

This afternoon, I went there instead of church.  I walked in and there sat the CUTEST little Westie puppy I have ever seen.  He was so TINY!  And just so sweet.  I immediately fell in love, and asked to hold him.  They brough him over to a room for me, and I played with him…until he climbed up me.  He licked my face, and curled up on my chest, where I had skin showing, and cuddled in.

I lost it.  I started bawling, and honestly haven’t felt like such an idiot in a very long time.  I asked how much he was, fell over when they told me, and cried and played with him some more.  After awhile I decided I would just try to buy him, and when I couldn’t…well I’ve been crying ever since.

My husband called before I left, and admantly told me NO WAY WOULD HE EVER SUPPORT BUYING A DOG.  NE-VER.  SO don’t even think about it, wifey.  He’d decided.

Um, okay.  Guess I don’t get a vote.  I told him not to worry about it because I didn’t really want the responsibility anyway.

So then all that happened, and when I walked out and left him my heart broke.  I talked to him a little bit ago, and asked why we couldn’t have a puppy again.  He told me that he didn’t want to get up with it, he didn’t want to have to pay for it, he didn’t want to…he didn’t want to…he didn’t want to.  I said, “Who said that you would be the one that has to take care of it.”  He says, “That’s the way it goes Jen.”

Um.  Ok.  So now not only is a puppy out of the question, I’m a lazy, bad housewife who doesn’t do anything around the house.

AWESOME.

I think we all know this isn’t about not getting a puppy.  I think holding that little puppy reminded me again of what I’ve lost, and what I’m afraid I will never hold again.  I think that little puppy curling up on my chest reopened a healing wound, and awakened the mommy in me.  The part of me that was made to rock a baby, and the part that I’ve stuffed away as seemingly everyone around me conceives and bears children.

I will never understand on this side of heaven why God put this desire in me, only to deny me it for so long.  It frusterate me, makes me sad, and is devastating all at the same time.  I cannot explain the acute painfulness of it all.  The only thing I can compare it to is this…being able to bring a puppy home, only your husband won’t let you for personally selfish reasons, and then in the process of telling you no…sticks it to you about how much you suck.

Then you blog about it, and that won’t really fix it.  But neither would a dog.  But it sure makes you feel better.

Well we’ve started month three of fertility treatments.  Took my clomid days 3-7, and questioned the doctor’s protocol.  I was only getting two eggs to grow per cycle, and it seemed to me that it wasn’t really working.  But the doctor said that it was successful because I was getting one by the time I ovulated.  I wasn’t buying it, but seeing as I had my specialist appointment lined up, I just did what I was told.  Went in for my ultrasound yesterday and I have seven eggs.

I went from getting two each time, to SEVEN!  I was floored.  I don’t know how many I will have come Monday, but it was like getting a positive pregnancy test when she told me I had FOUR on my right.  Then she started spouting off the sizes of the ones on the left, I couldn’t process what she was telling me, because I kept thinking, “FOUR!”  Then when she handed me the sheet and there were three more.  It was so exciting!

And it makes skipping Vegas so very worth it.

The boy’s mom came and stayed with me Thursday night, to come stay with Grant during my ultrasound on Friday morning.  It was SO NICE TO HAVE HER TO MYSELF.  We got to really talk, and I just so enjoy her.  It’s a huge blessing to have her in our lives.

She also gave me a free pass for a ME day on Friday.  SO I headed off to the Palin/McCain rally.  It was so cool.  I forget that there are other people in Minnesota that have the same view point as me.  Between everyone I know, and my husband I feel like I’m the only one most of the time.  Hanging out there, and listening to them talk about what they wanted to do was just awesome, and inspiring.  Sarah Palin is an amazing candidate, and I’m just glad to be able to vote for her.  It’s going to be a huge thing for me if they win.  I love telling Grant all about how she’s the first women this, and thinking about talking to my little girl(s) one day about this.  It’s an amazing achievement for women, and I’m proud.  And I got lots of fun stuff while I was there.  The old people were crotchety, but whatever.  It was great.  It was in an airplane hanger, and I stood for almost three hours watching all our Republican guys talk.  It was fun!

Then last night I drove the wee one to Mason City to meet my parents.  They took him to see Thomas the train today, and will bring him back Monday.

That means I’m here, alone, for three days.  ALONE. It’s fabulous.  Today I have barely moved from the couch, and I slept in until noon.  And I’m thinking about heading BACK to bed really soon.  The boy has been gone since Wednesday and comes back Monday too.

I’m just really hoping this week is the week we make a baby.  Another set of friends is having a baby, their second.  I’m getting so upset again everytime someone else gets pregnant.  It’s frusterating to have been trying for over a year, and people who also were trying when I was have almost one year olds.   It’s ugly, and I’m tired of it.  I wish it could be different.  I wish that it didn’t rip my heart out of my chest.  I wish…  I wish.

Wow, this week is almost gone.  WHERE DID IT GO?  We’ve been crazy busy around here.  Getting stuff put away, the boy working, me taking the kiddo around various places.  It’s unbelieveable how busy we’ve been actually.

It’s been okay though.  It’s a different kind of stress.  Not a pull your hair out, just a sitting down at the end of the day, and going, WOW.  That was a silly day.  Usually in our hot tub.

My old boss found me.  The one that I used to work for at the church?  She and her husband are going to our new church.  I made plans that we should all go out to dinner and reconnect.  I’m such a grown up I surprise myself.

My ex’s sister and I found each other on Facebook.  I actually friended her.  KNOWING that meant he might be able to find me now.  I saw a picture of him, for the first time in over 11 years.  It amazed me how quickly it all came back looking at a picture.  I was instantly scared.  Then I realized that I trust God, and it’s okay.  That nothing bad can happen.  Besides he’s married, and has a baby on the way.  I’m happy for him.  He’s had it rough in his short life, and I hope he’s happy.  Again with the grown up coming through.  Yay, me.

Now, I have the boy on a plane to SC, then Vegas.  I’m hosting the boy’s mom tomorrow night.  Friday I have my ultrasound, and then a ME DAY!  Then Friday night I take the wee one to my parents, and I have until Monday BY MY SELF!

WAHOO!

No boys.  No plans.  Just me, and a whole lot of NOTHING.

So, excited!

So I got my appointment at the big infertility clinic.  October 20th.  Last time this happened…well let’s look at the archives.  First let me warn you, I’m kind of vulgar in some of these posts.

There was this one time I called you suckers.

Then the bottom dropped out, or the ceiling caved in

Then we got more results and even the boy was sad

Then I came up with  THE PLAN.

Then I reiterated THE PLAN (Who reads this site?  It’s so silly?)

Then we started the carry out said PLAN. Oh and the time the doctor told my husband he’s well endowed, and they said that well the PLAN is crap.

Four days after we found out that the boy was really okay, I found out I was pregnant.  So I was at the adoption meeting pregnant.  So a month later, I TOLD YOU!

I had made a an appointment with this same clinic in October, and couldn’t get in until December that year.  This time I got in a month later.  Pretty good. :)  And I got in with the founding doctor.  The big guy.

Anyway - it’s good to walk back through the things God has done for you and remind yourself.  As if the walking talking little monkey isn’t enough.

Cheese ball grins. :)

How cute is this child seriously. :)  As I walk through the next couple months, on the plan my doctor has laid out for me.  I will remember, and look towards God and pray the same thing happens again.  Another cheese ball grin.

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