So, I’m about ready to crash. I just wanted to document my progress here, for prosperity and for next time. :) You know in case I have to do this again! 
My trigger shot today was of HCG. It’s the hormone your body produces when your pregnant, and evidently it also tells your body to ovulate. It’s messing with me.
I’m feeling kind of queasy, and out of it. Where they gave me the shot….HURTS. BAD. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up, and I’m learning that the queasy uneasy feeling I had all three times I was pregnant, was the hormones. I always thought it was just my nervousness, or anticipation. The calm before the puking storm if you will.
I have a little headache. Kind of like a dull ache.
I also took a couple big steps today. I submitted my blog to a infertility support network, and I’m hoping they’ll post me. I’ve been reading their letters, blogs, and comments to one another over the past six months or so, and I realized something. In talking to a friend who’s got a much worse case than me, I realized there is so much commraderie in this battle to have a baby. The things I feel and go through are repeatedly validated and the encouragement is heavenly. These women don’t know what they’ve done for me just in me being able to read their blogs! I’ve felt so empowered, and so much better about all this. When they get pregnant, I cry for joy for them. When they have a bad test result, or lose a baby I bawl like a baby. It’s so raw the emotional experience of trying to be a mommy. THERE ARE WOMEN JUST LIKE ME, with a child, still struggling not only with PCOS….but with the emotions that go with it. I’ve learned the tears I shed aren’t mine alone. They are the tears of all of us, who want our God given right as a women. One we can’t seem to grasp, either again, or at all. In talking with my friend today, someone I barely know, I know the connection we share goes deep. It’s something we don’t have to explain to each other, but we just love each other because WE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE FEELING. Such an incredible gift it is, and sometimes I get crazy and think the infertility is almost worth it, just to have the network of hope.
Anyway - we drove around looking at houses again tonight. The realtor called the seller of the other house and is pulling a last ditch effort to save the deal. *SIGH* Of course they couldn’t figure it out TODAY, so the boy and I decided to declare it dead, and look at this house tomorrow anyway. I can’t be stressed out starting tomorrow because my little punkin egg has to implant, and i have to quiet myself and grow a baby.
I’m sad about my other egg. Part of me hopes I ovulated it on my own, and twins are still possible, but the realistic part of me says, “You’ll be doing this again next month.” I got some supplements from my in-laws, and the boy and I are taking those too hoping maybe that might help. We’ll do anything…. When I got pregnant with Grant I realized I had been taking those, so maybe that had something to do with it. Who knows, I could dwell for years in the what if’s.
Anyway - I’m feeling pregnant, and it’s a mind game. My boobs are bigger, my stomach is wierd, I’m exhausted and sweating like a pig at the drop of the hat. It’ll be interesting tomorrow when I start taking the progesterone. I may be sick for the next two weeks. I guess I’ll be calling for Mom back up.
So here’s to tomorrow. A new day. A new start, a new house, and a new paradigm. If nothing pans out, I’m okay. I know we’re healthy, our family is healthy, our life is secure in God. That’s enough.
