May 22, 2008 by milieuofme
First thing - the Chapman family. God love them, God bless them…how awful. Everyone in Christian bloggyland is talking and praying for them. It’s awful and I just ask for your prayers. There are no words.
I’m going to blog my originally intended post. I’ve been reading a lot this morning about death, cancer, etc and while I am feeling a little shallow for my feelings and my measly goings on, I figure it’ll only add perspective. So please don’t misunderstand my post for not feeling for the family. They’re always in my prayers and will continue to be.
So back to my regularly scheduled program.
All two of you are wondering about my post talking about having news on Wednesday, and so I’m going to talk about that. The boy and I are officially in the market for a house. We have our pre-approval letter, our very competent knowledgeable real estate agent, and have been out looking at houses. We put a offer in on one last Sunday, and found out this morning the offer was not accepted. So while I had hoped to post about us moving, this is not the case. We really did love the house, but there were four offers, two of which were cash. I don’t know who has that kind of cash laying around. We were supposed to know by Wednesday morning at the latest, but just found out this morning.
We are disappointed, however, we trust God. In buying this house, we were going to have to put a lot more money upfront that originally intended. We weren’t quite sure whether God was trying to test our faith, or what was going on, so we put the money up and said OK God, do your thing. I know that we can’t see all that He does, so I am going forward in knowing that His plans are better than mine, and He’s got something better for us.
So we’re excited. We’re staying in the cities unless something catastrophic happens, and are looking towards a community to settle down in. And I am serious about that.
I’m down to 37.5 mg of my medication. I’m in day two of feeling kind of loopy, but I know tomorrow I will wake up feeling less tweaky, and things will be fine. It’s very weird to be doing this, and sometimes I panic and think I NEED THESE WHAT AM I DOING. Then I remember that I will feel fine soon, and have one less pill to take, and it’ll just be GREAT.
I’ve lost 10 pounds since April 3rd, when I started taking the PCOS meds. That’s actually not good, because you’re supposed to try and lose a pound a week. I can’t say I’m doing ANYTHING but eating a lot of candy, and fried foods. :) So it’s got to be the medicine. :) Obviously I have my good days and bad ones with the diet, and am working my way up to 100%. I think it’ll be easier once I give up the Diet Coke, because then I won’t taste sugar and crave it QUITE like now…at least I will be able to reassign my sweet taste buds.
I also went to have my first round of electrolysis done. It’s mortifying, and I dislike the cute little blond girls who run the place, but they’re nice to me, and I know by the time it’s all said and done it’ll be worth dealing with them. It’s weird to be doing that, but it makes me SO excited to feel normal too. It’s expensive as well. REALLY expensive.
The wee one is at my parents house. We took him to Mason City last night. He was SO excited to see them, and played like a champ with his Aunt Kara and Grandpa. They had my niece with them, so I got to love her up. SO did Grant. He wanted to hold her, and so I let him. He just loved her up, and gave her kisses, and cooed at her. He’s just so blinking CUTE. She thinks he’s funny, so they’re going to have a great old time together me thinks. My little boy is going to be one awesome big brother. So we’re going to work on that. :) (Hehehehe)
We don’t have to pick him up until Sunday at 2:30, so we’re going to hang out and just be all weekend. The boy took tomorrow off, and we have nothing planned. I would love to go to a movie, we’ll probably check out some open houses, and just be together. It should be wonderful. 
Today I have had a wonderful mommy day. I am at Panera, got all my email and blogs read UNINTERRUPTED. I don’t have to go get the boy until 5, so the possibilities are endless. I see Super Wal-Mart in my future
As for church it’s really icky for me right now. I just am so over it, and I know that’s a terrible attitude to have. I joined a bible study on Tuesday nights this summer at a church we’ve been going to, so that should be fun. We’re going to a church on Saturday night that I really am interested about. Otherwise I am just really not having fun with it. I dread going, I dread meeting new people. I dread feeling like a newbie. I’m tired of it, and thought I was done with that because of our last church. I think honestly I’m still grieving that loss, and I think it’s okay. The problem is that church doesn’t exist anymore, and I have got to get over it.
God’s teaching me a lot about waiting. I threw a hissy fit last night because we didn’t know about the house yet, and I just said to my boy, “Seriously? I am sick of this. WHAT IS GOD DOING? I don’t want to do this anymore. I AM SO TIRED.”
The boy wisely says, “It’s our time baby, don’t worry so much. He knows. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
I just stuck my tongue out at him. I mean seriously. THANKS A LOT SMARTIE PANTS. Sometimes don’t you just want to throw a hissy fit at God? I do it like everyday. Sometimes I watch the wee one, and remember I’m acting just the same way to God. It’s humbling, because some days I don’t like being the mommy of a two year old. They’re demanding, exhausting, and don’t retain any information. I totally see the similarities between his and I’s relationship and mine and God’s.
It comes down to this, when I’m ready to give up…that’s when God can step in and do the most. Until that point….
In the house thing, I prayed for God’s will. I told him, “You see, I can’t. I trust you.” I do. When I found out this morning it was a no go, I felt peace. I said, “Okay God. I trust you.” And so I wait.
Somedays, I DO NOT WANT TO. I’m exhausted. I’m done with waiting. I’m OVER it. Instead of being upset about that though, I know today that God can work with that. He knows.
JAMES 1:3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
After I threw my hissy fit, I pouted all night. I was ANGRY. Mostly because I feel entitled. That’s an ugly sentence isn’t it? But I do. I think because I’ve given everything I’m supposed to, and more. Two babies, my dreams, my pride, MY LIFE. I’ve given up a lot.
Today He whispers, “It’s not enough.”
He doesn’t just want the things I’m willing to give. He doesn’t just want the things I think I’m supposed to drop off. He doesn’t just want things. He wants me. All of me. 100% of me. He wants to know that if he asks me to pack up and move to a small African village I will. He wants to know that I’ll go to the cross for Him, just like He did for me.
It’s no small price to pay. Christ sweated BLOOD in the garden asking for it to be taken from Him. He didn’t ask me to join him on a cakewalk. He didn’t want me to put on a pretty dress, go to church, bake cookies and live that kind of life. He’s asking for a life of sacrifice. One where I’ll LAY DOWN MY LIFE…DAILY. That means giving up. Leaving this world, to live in His.
It’s hard for me. My family, my friends think I’m crazy. My parents talk to me differently, and think of me differently. They think I’ve lost my mind. I SEE it. I’m looking at doing life in a completely different way than I know how to do. I’m making myself vulnerable again. I don’t like that. I don’t want to be.
Last night on the way to Mason City, the wee one was watching Veggie Tales…the snoodle episode. I LOVE this episode. It’s about a little snoodle who gets made fun of. Every snoodle has a little back pack that carried the picture of who they are. The mean snoodles put ugly pictures of him in it. Then he meets the Creator of the snoodles, and he says, “This is who you are.” He takes the ugly, heavy pictures out and puts His picture in. I cry every time.
I didn’t grow up in the church. I grew up in the world. The other pictures are the only ones I have. When you’ve only trusted the world, and it’s hurt you it’s not an easy process to take that picture.
But I want to. I want that picture. I want the life He’s designed for me. The thing is can I get out of the way so it will happen?
