Well, this is my blog you know so I can talk about me.
I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER THIS MORNING. I woke up and didn’t feel like I was in a impenetrable fog. Then I didn’t feel tweaky….okay back up. Last week we starting weaning me off my depression meds. I’ve been on the PCOS meds for a month now, and the powers that be think it’s an okay time to start trying to do this. I’m on Effexor, and it’s a nasty drug. I mean when it works, it works and it’s WONDERFUL, but coming off of it is a nightmare. You have electrical brain tweaks, plus you just go through all the withdrawl of your body weaning off. So I started by halving it, and I will do that for a week or two depending on how I feel. Then I half again, and then I go off completely.
It’s not a fun time, but it’s manageable. My brain feels tweaky, and I’m a little off to say the least…and grumpy, and short fused. It’s just really hard to feel so out of whack, but I know that it’s just temporary while my body evens out. Waking up this morning and feeling just fine was comforting because I know it’s possible to feel good without being medicated.
Anyway - since I was sick anyway last week, I figured there was no time like the present to just get all the sick over in one fail swoop. I’m still pretty stuffed up, but I went to bed last night and SLEPT. IT WAS AWESOME.
One of my bloggy follwings this morning really hit me hard. I’m a VERY sensitive person. Always have been, and always will be. That’s just the way God made me. In school it was always something that was a detriment to me. I was always getting hurt, I was always picking out friends that were sure to hurt me, and I was always WAY impressionable. As I got older, but not wiser, I started shutting my heart off. In my marriage, in my friendships…it was just SO much easier. I didn’t have to deal with rejection, with pain…I just didn’t really feel much either. It kept me safe from hurt, made it harder to reach me too.
I am soft-hearted, and I realized I have to learn to be tender hearted. I think this goes to the heart of my struggles as of late. I didn’t even want to go to church yesterday because last time we were there, they didn’t even really talk to me and I just didn’t want to deal with it. So I conned the boy into not going, to which he replies that I am just solidifying that that’s where we are supposed to be going…. I am having a really hard time with friendships because I don’t trust people, and I don’t want to invest the time into it. I feel doomed and destined to be hurt. I have some Christian friends who’ve I’ve felt hurt and abused by, and I just feel mad about it still. It’s really juvenile but it’s the truth.
I guess this is all the point of God taking me out of church, and staying close to home and focusing there. Still I hate layer peeling. I suppose it will be good in the long term. 
Anyway I digress. I see a lot of people with a genuine spirit filled life, with lots of passion, and I sit here and just feel like I don’t have the downline. I just sit and wait for a testimony, instead of engaging in actual fellowship in the presence of God and wonder why. I don’t know God intimately. I don’t go there, because I’m not willing to unlock my heart quite yet. In lieu of the last year, I’m still kind of hurt, but starting to understand why those things would happen. I still look to everything I haven’t done, or done badly, or need to do still and think that’s why…if I would just get my act together….
I don’t understand a God who would love me right where I’m at because no one ever loved me right where I was at. My husband wonders why I can’t sit still, why I’m just looking towards the next thing…that’s what I’ve been taught to do.
I’m killing myself. I’m cutting off the bloodflow to my heart, I’m shutting down, I’m expecting the worse…I’m losing hope. And now I’m learning why. So this is what I’ll be learning about and walking through the next couple weeks, months, etc. Should be interesting.
