Milieu of Me

Okay this is the story I’m referring to in this post.  It’s a 22 minute video, but it’s SO worth it.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few months pouring over this website.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOOOVVVEE, the Christian Band Selah.  I have all their CD’s in my little Ipod Solomon, and they are one of about five bands I consider my, “Go straight to the feet of Jesus music.”  It’s GOOD GOOD STUFF.  I’m telling you.

This story struck me, because well morbidly, I had been through a similar experience.  Nothing quite as HUGE as what they went through, but I had lost two babies.  I had known my child was gone, but still had to carry that baby for awhile before it was over.  Mostly I just gravitated towards another Mommy, who just loved to have babies, who already had a baby, but lost another.

This story has just moved me so profoundly.  It’s touched my heart, and stayed with me.  I was checking the website every five minutes the day Audrey was born.  I wanted that miracle for the Smiths.  I prayed for it too.  I encourage you, take some time and just read the entire blog.  Angie is a Christian woman, who was very real about this.  You get angry, you scream, you cry, and she blogged it.  Not for any other reason but to give God all the glory.

The most profound part of the video is where she said she realized there was no plan b.  Audrey was always going to live for as long as she was, and that it brings you a new definition of trusting in God.  That He is who is He is no matter what you are looking at.

I admire where she is, I’m not there yet.  I’m in another space right now where I’m overwhelmed and hurting.  I’m still not pregnant, I still don’t have a church, I still feel like my life isn’t settled.  I can’t see God.  I can’t hear Him, and I don’t get sometimes why others can see so clearly.  It makes me really angry.  I know that this time is going to be one of great refining and I will look back and be happy I went through this.  Right now I just want to pout.

I am tired of watching people become pregnant and have babies in the time span of me just trying to get pregnant.  I am tired of looking for a church home.  I am tired of keeping my house clean.  I am tired of dealing with my husband working late and going on trips.  I am overwhelmed, tired, hurting, and feel dreadfully alone.  It’s not a debilitating kind of feeling.  I still get stuff done around the house.  I still love my husband and my little boy, but the undercurrent is still there.

Anger, real mad anger.  I like the other part in the video where she said she spent one day driving around screaming at God because she realized He could handle it. :)  That is a GREAT idea.  I just might do that.

Anyway - there is no plan B.  When I have some perspective I know that I know that I know that I will be able to say that full of confidence and faith.  I have tremendous respect for this family, and wanted to share.