Milieu of Me

Well so much for not being up at five in the morning.  After listening to my husband get up five times with a miserable Feebus, I got up and laid out in the living room with him.  He’s all stuffy and sickly, and doesn’t want to sleep.  In fact right now he just wants to fuss and kick me.  It’s a fun time.

I’m PRAYING that he can survive through church because I DO NOT want to miss church this morning.

We went to the Casting Crowns concert last night.  OH. MY. GOODNESS.  It was so FREAKIN AWESOME.

It was like church.  I KNEW that God would meet me there.  I knew that he would answer my questions, and put me in a position to hear him.  I KNEW IT.

After worshipping like crazy…Mark (the lead singer) set up the song “Slow Fade”  He was talking about how turning away from Christ and falling isn’t something that just all of the sudden happens.  It’s something that snowballs, and begins with one compromise, and then another and another.  He used Psalm 1 as the scripture reference.  He started talking also about how we can’t lean on other Christian’s walk with Jesus.  We have to create our own, deeply rooted in a passionate love for Christ.

I had the biggest moment right then.  And I was like, “DUH!”

That’s the phrase I’ve been looking for to describe what is going on.  It’s what I’m doing, it’s what other people at our old church are doing, and it’s what bothers me so much about certain families leaving.  We are all dependent upon these families.  Instead of creating and walking out our own path…we’re waiting for them to tell us what’s God doing now and following them.

No wonder they’re leaving.  NO WONDER.  Can you imagine?

It’s embarrassing, it’s humbling, and it’s a good lesson learned.  A church family is for support, not for laying out your walk for you.

It’s also interesting to me the whole slow fade concept.  I think that’s really happened to me.  I think I became so hurt by losing the babies, not having what I thought I needed at church, and everything else that’s happened over the last year, that I just gave up in a lot of respects.  I can look back now and see how it started, and today it ends.

We’re going to a new church today (hopefully) and while we don’t really feel like it’s a 100% the right thing, we know God will let us know what to do no matter what.  There are pros and cons on both sides, and it’s time to quit talking so much, quit thinking so much and just start doing.  There’s only one way to know for sure.

I hate that I keep messing this up.  I just keep reminding myself I’m supposed to mess up.  I am never going to be perfect.  That’s just the nature of things.  AGH.  I still have some pride issues obviously.

And now it’s 6:30 AM.  I’m tired.  Feebus is tired, and I think I am going to try and get some sleep.

I haven’t smoked in seven days as of yesterday.  Happy week of quitting to me.  Next weekend makes the official “I’ve quit” announcement….as I want to wait to say it until I’ve hit two weeks since that’s when your body is officially over the withdrawal and such.

Okay - signing off….