Well I let stress get the better of me. Started out just fine. Ate my breakfast, played with Feeb, and then
THERE WAS FEAR.
Why does this always happen? Where’s God? Why aren’t you pregnant? Why can’t you eat what you’re supposed to? Why can’t you suck it up? Why can’t you be a better mommy? Why can’t you JUST NOT SMOKE? Why did you have to drink a Diet Coke? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? What if you can’t buy the house? What if you have to have a car payment? What if moving ruins the boy’s job? What if he hates you for it? What if God really doesn’t want you to do this? What if you never really KNOW God like you want? What if people start reading your blog and SEE YOU? What if you never lose weight? What if you never have another baby? Why do you let Grant watch so much TV? Did you see how dissapointed the boy was last night while you were smoking?
STOP.
We have an enemy. He is against us, and let me tell you, when my thoughts ramp up like this….I know he’s after me.
I have smoked today, drank diet coke, postponed my trip to Des Moines, and ate Vanilla Wafers. I’ve thought all these thoughts concurrently, like a bad record, over and over in my head. They make me feel like crap. Worthless, powerless, defeated.
And isn’t that just the point?
Guess what, I almost gave in. ALMOST. I almost cried my self to sleep. ALMOST.
Then I remembered “GET BEHIND ME SATAN!” That still small voice, ringing loudly yet so softly amidst the confusion. I felt a peace, and a “It’s going to be okay. No matter what you do, or say. I love you, and it’s okay.”
So today I am having a pig out, smoking, diet coke drinking day. Tomorrow we’ll try again. In the mean time, SHUT UP. I’m not having it. Now if I doubted I was doing the things I’m supposed to, I know I am, because that’s when the harassing really starts.
There is this part in the movie What Dreams May Come, at the end where she’s writing in her diary, saying the day just unraveled on her. She ends up killing herself at the end of the letter. WOW - jump there. Calm yourselves, I’m not suicidal. I just remember her sitting on that bed, in all her beauty ALONE. With herself and her demons, giving up the fight.
I REFUSE. I may lose a battle here or there, but I won the war.
And tomorrow I may lose again, OH! STILL WON THE WAR.
Ha. So there demonfolk. Send your best, I am ready for it.
