Milieu of Me

Okay – after all the debacle of is my sister having a baby or is she not, she did have a baby obviously.  The doctor sent my sister home The 28th, much to everyone’s chagrin.  She’d been in pre-labor all week, and the doctor refused to augment her labor even though she’d dilated to a three.  They did however give her drugs and let her sleep all afternoon, at the hospital under the guise that if she hadn’t changed dilation they would help her.  Then they changed their minds.
Just goes to show you my friends you need to INTERVIEW your OBGYN and find out their policy on labor induction, and line that up with your views on it.  Otherwise you’ll find yourself stuck.
So they went home, poor Meg was up all night AGAIN, and then they went back the following morning and by this time she was dilated to a six.  THEN they gave her the option to stay, and stay she did.  By 8 or 9 she had her epidural.  By 11 they were dilated to an 8, and by the time we rolled into Des Moines, she was at an 8 still…because my little niece decided to turn and moved her little head into my sisters hip socket.  This stalled everything out, and forced my sister to be turning every which way to get Ashlynn to move back into position…at this point I was sure that we’d be having a c-section but the baby moved back where she was supposed to and by 1:56 PM Ashlynn was here!
My whole family, Jer’s family were all there, and we spent the next three days at the hospital hanging out.  It was really fun.
Ashlynn was 8 pounds 8 ounces, 20.25 inches long born with Brown eyes, and a full head of dark hair.  Her apgars were 8 and 9 just like Grants.  She looks A LOT like Grant did, and she’s just so sweet.  She’s quiet until she’s hungry, and then she’s MAD.  Overall she’s just a mellow baby, and it’s really funny.  She sleeps four or five hours at a time, and eats just as much.  It’s so different to have a little girl.  Her temperament is so much sweeter, and mild, and she’s so dainty.  Even though she was only 4 ounces smaller than Grant, she’s just not as BIG.  We were able to just pass her around, and she didn’t seem to mind.
It’s been a very interesting WEEK since she’s been born.  My emotions are very much in check, and I am very surprised at the lack of sadness I have had to mess with.  I am so in love with her, and when I held her it was all about her and Meg and Jer.  I was and am so happy to have her around.  I don’t hold her for extended periods of time, because I can’t just go there quite yet.  When I do, I get sad, and feel really jealous.  I have felt a lot of jealousy.  Mostly in those quiet moments, and I really miss baby Grant.  A lot of her mannerisms are like Grants, especially the way she cuddles and I find myself getting weepy.  I know my limits and are strictly enforcing them.  I however find myself unable to contain my joy and excitement.  She is just such a bright spot to everyone, and I am madly in love with her.
Jer really is impressing me.  He bawled like a baby when she was born.  He gets up with her, takes care of her and my sister really well, and is even trying to make it so Meg doesn’t have to go back to work.  He’s dedicated to them, and it’s a lot more than I expected.   There has been a lot of healing in our relationship this week, and I am working on letting them know I value them as a couple, and being uber supportive.  He also found a house for them to rent ASAP and wants to move them in the next month.  He’s just on top of things, and Meg and him are so madly in love with him and each other.  It’s an amazing thing to create a life, and they are enjoying it.  I’m infinitely proud of them.  They’re doing a GREAT job.
I hadn’t expected to be so protective of the baby either.  I find myself biting my tongue a lot, which is really funny.  I have really wondered about my control freak side this week.  When Grant was born I made everyone stay out until an hour after he was born so I could bond with him and just meet him.  Meg brought everyone in right away, and passed her around.  The baby needed oxygen, which sent my mom into a tizzy and annoyed the shit out of me.  Grant did too, but I didn’t let them in, so they missed seeing that part.  ☺  I was more careful about my time as a mommy and family, but Megs all about everyone being around.  We’ve been at her house everyday this week, helping her out.  I showed her how to use the breast pump, and set up a bunch of stuff for her, and she’s just like whatever.  I wouldn’t let anyone help me, or set anything up because I wanted to do it all.  I just didn’t want to miss a single moment, and was anal about it.  She’s much more laid back.  My mom holds Ashlynn all day, and Meg goes and takes naps.  I was really sad to hand Grant over because I just wanted him all the time. ☺  I don’t know if the difference in personality is what it is or what but it’s driving me BONKERS.  Meg is doing a great job, don’t get me wrong, it just really is flooring me how different we are.
I also am finding myself wishing my family had been living in the same town with us when Grant was born.  My mom is doing dishes, laundry, and everything needed, and I wonder if I would have been such a mess if I could have had them around.  It’s making me REALLY want to move home, especially now that Ashlynn is here.  It doesn’t help that Grant is madly in love with his Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and it makes me feel like I’m missing out on having such a great influence for him.  I wish it were as easy as saying OK We’re coming back!  (If it were we’d be back tomorrow)  But the boy’s job IS SO GOOD, and it’s hard to give that up, especially when it provides my husband so many fulfillments.  I’m having so much fun with my family, and I just realize they are SO IMPORTANT to me.  It’s sucky.  BIG sucky.  God has a plan, I just have to be patient.
And I’m tired of missing my husband.  He’s been gone since Sunday and won’t be with us again until the 13th.  The hardest part is Grant is starting to notice.  I’m okay, but when Grant asks for Daddy, or sees a picture and says, “Daddy!?” and looks around and cuddles and whines when I say he’s gone, it’s heartbreaking.  I didn’t realize it would affect him I guess.  I wish it could be different, but I know it’s a season and it will pass.  Plus people are starting to point out to me the amount of time my husband is gone which is totally not HELPFUL.  “Isn’t that hard?”  I say no, because I know otherwise I’m in for an earful.  ☺  Life is so interesting.
Another funny thing.  I was really disappointed about not going to Austin, mostly because I missed out on my conference.  I wanted to get alone and with God and I felt really cheated out of that.  God however is good and provided me a book called “From Beauty to Ashes”  it’s all about emotional healing, and it’s pushed me towards a lot of things I thought the healing conference would, and honestly right into God’s lap.  I’m learning a lot about the way I deal with life, and reevaluating a lot of myself.  I am learning why I shop and spend money like I do, and why I’m the way I am.  Mostly I am learning God loves me.  Endlessly, just the messy way I am.   I also figured out that God’s not punishing me by not getting pregnant, or taking away my two baby’s.  That’s a big step in the right direction, and it’s helping me a lot during this, am I pregnant or am I just late time of the month.  I know I don’t have to be perfect to get pregnant, and not being pregnant isn’t  a sign of his disappointment in me.  I also figured out that’s what the word I received at a church thing meant.  God said. “You did nothing wrong.”  I was perplexed because I thought I knew that, but what He meant was; I wasn’t a failure to Him.  That made me very happy.  I know it sounds stupid but that’s what was flying through my head.
OK, back to life.  I must go hang out.  More later!