Sorry about the angry posting. Grant is up now, and watching Dora. I can’t take it when he cries like that.
I am hormonal or something. I haven’t felt angry like that - well since Saturday. 
So onward and upward. I went to DA this weekend. It was ok. I’m realizing more about myself, and also understanding that I have a problem. It’s hard to write that. With all I’ve been through since Grant was born I would think I would have the ability to be a bit more humble about that but I don’t. My pride is in tact evidently.
So it’s just like AA. They give out coins, they talk about staying clean, and it’s really interesting to me. I went in thinking I knew what to expect but I just didn’t. I will get a sponsor, and go to meeting every week, and attempt a life much different than the one I have been leading. I learned it’s not just about credit cards and debt, it’s about how you spend money period. It’s anxiety provoking to me, but I’m hopeful about it. I have to read the AA books, write every nickle I spend down, and write out a spending life plan.
I’m very perplexed by the whole thing. I know in my heart that this will be fine, but right now I’m just overwhelmed. I’m seeing things differently while still fighting to give up things. It’s hard. Luckily we’ve been through Dave Ramsey, and so a lot of the things I have to do I have already done. My husband and I have a budget, have savings, have a lot of good things in place. Hopefully this will just help me to be stay on track.
I don’t know that i have much else to say about it. We went to the mall Saturday to get the boy some clothes with a gift card, and I was a mess. I couldn’t cope with being there, and I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to buy everything, and my husband wouldn’t even let me look at things. I know he thinks in his head that me having no money and not shopping at all is the answer, but I know that i have to feel this, and really walk it out to have a lasting impact. I have to be panic stricken in order to know how to cope with it. It’s hard for us because our coping styles are so different. He just blocks out, and I ride the rollercoaster.
Another thing - I’m MAD. I’m mad that no one brought this DA thing to my attention earlier. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and it was Dave Ramsey’s TV show that I found out about this through. I don’t know that the point of having a support team in place if they’re not going to help me. I’ll get over it, but I’m mad.
I’m still feeling good about life, don’t get me wrong. I just have this frusteration about this, and I assume it’s just part of the recovery.
UGH - I will get in a better mood. I just have to concentrate.
My parents where here this weekend. I love them. They played Grant silly, brought him tons of clothes, mostly just loved him up. It makes us happy. It’s also making my boy sad. He says over and over again how grateful he is for them, and feels angry at his parents. It’s kind of a double edged sword for him. I try to point out the good things, but he’s very angry. I wish it could be different for him, but I know I can’t do anything until he decides to.
Hey look I’m vomitting on my blog. SHOCKING. Enough of this - I’m going to go do something productive.
