Milieu of Me

Today our landlord called at 1 and said she was going to show the house to four people interested.

Ummmmm…..crap?

So I met my husband for lunch and ran back to the house and cleaned up the dump heap that is this house becuase in a funny way once we decide to move we quit cleaning. It took five hours and we still were vacuuming and stuff when the first guy showed. HOW SAD IS THAT. The saddest part however is that the house is spotless and since we are doing our move room by room this time the house looks wonderful. And I am pproufoundly sad. I love this house. It was a dream to not move again, and it’s dying. Like so many things lately.

Life is full of seasons and we’re in a sad one right now, and it’s kind of crappy. I know it’s only a season and keep looking forward putting my head down and going forward. I have kind of shut everything out in an attept to pwer through and realized Tuesday and through talking to our mom I’ve shut everything out. I’v numbed myself to everything excpet the wee one, and just zombied through. I’m dumb. I’ve let my relationship with God suffer most, and I need to quit doing that. I just have a hard time with the hard stuff still I gues. He knows because he’s shown up over and over when I’ve gone to church and bible study and stuff and it makes me sad. I need to make God my self preservation instead of rebelling against Him all the time.

And I’ve been so stressed that I’ve been smoking again. Bad me. But only at night after Grant is asleep becuse I might die if he saw me. That should tell me something.

It’s sad to watch your dreams die. I just need to remember that it’s only a time, and that someday the boy and i I will have our own house FULL of babies. And keep praising my God regardless.

So tomorrow starts the exodus, and while I am sad I’m hopeful and expectant. God is teaching me and I just have to be vigilant and learn. And look back at my baby and remember God will show up, an he won’t forsake me so I can’t forsake Him.

My MacBook is going to be sold for parts *thanks Mr. Foo, and my little Powerbook is with the genius bar getting fixed ($200 later) so that I won’t not have one. I’m excited. I missed my little guy. I have to say that my MacBook is grwat but it’s not as fun as him. My MacBook is slower and doesn’t take a beating like he does. I think if we ever get enough money to get another one I’m staying silver. It’s just worth it to spend the extra cahs.

Today we took Grant to the boys office to show him off, and it was so cute. He was nervouse and had taken the boys hand to go in, but just as soon as he saw people he looked back and smiled at me and gurlged and grabbed my hand. THEN he could meet all the girls, with his little hand in mine.

Sometimes when he does little sweet things like that I remember why I ever wanted to be a mommy in the firsrt place. So I could be HIS mommy. He reminds me no matter what I have to go through it’s worth it. He’s my ultimate joy, and peace. The smile that I look towards each day. Even though last year at this time I doubted I would ever be whole and happy again….I would go back there and do it all again…and I just might have to. Iw ould hands down in an instant. I would go through HELL the real thing, just to have him love me and kiss me, and yell, “MOMMA!!!”

Seriously have kids. You don’t think you want to….but you really do.