So these last three weeks have been the most taxing, the most stressful, and the saddest weeks of my life. Here’s the short but long version.
We found out the fourth of July I was pregnant. I went in the next week for an ultrasound, ready to see a little person as I was already five or six weeks along. During the ultrasound we couldn’t see the baby, only the little sack the baby grows in. Dr. B was not concerned, told me it was just too early to see and to come back in a week. We came back in a week, and I was measuring around seven weeks at this point, and they still couldn’t see the baby. Now we became concerned, and the doctor discussed the probability of a miscarriage. So we went back the next week, and this time I was measuring eight weeks, and indeed the miscarriage was evident. I opted to have the D & C because I had spent an entire month being pregnant and sicker than I’d ever been in my life. I could barely stand for more than 15 minutes without breaking out in an entire body sweat and feeling like I might faint and puke at the same time. That was while I was on the nausea medicine they give chemo patients to help them not be sick. While I vote this pregnancy sickness as WAY worse than with Grant, my husband says I was actually worse with Grant. I will not deny he would probably know better.
This was all amplified by the fact that Grant was tearing around here like a toddler, my mother in law was living here, and my husband is working two jobs to make ends meet until my baby-sitting kids get here and life in the Swan household was of course chao and craziness. There was no way, after waiting two weeks to find out if the baby would appear I could wait an undeterminable amount of time for my baby making deficient body to miscarry on it’s own. I probably would have to go back to the crazy farm.
So we went to Iowa that weekend, and I threw the boy’s sister her shower, and we saw the boy’s Dad and stepmom, and spent time with their fam. I ran the entire weekend on adrenaline, and honestly have no idea how I managed to do ANY of it looking back, and nowing how much better I feel now. I just pulled up my boot straps and went, and my Mom and my sister stepped up and helped me, along with the boys mom, her friend, and the boys sister. So I did have a bunch of help. And honestly the distraction was nice. Monday was the surgery, so it was good I was not just siiting around waiting.
Sunday we left the Feebus with my Mom and Dad and headed back to Iowa. I sobbed while leaving him, probably because now there was no escaping what was happening, and I was leaving Grant for two days which is NOT my favorite thing to do considering he’s just his Mommy’s little man. Walking away from him rips my heart out, and I hate it. But it was nice to have a quiet ride home, a quiet evening, and a full night’s sleep.
We got up the next morning, headed down to the hospital, and were trying very hard to be positive. We knew that God had a plan, and while we didn’t get it, we knew He did, so we prayed and kept our faith in front of us.
We went through all the pre-op stuff, and then another bomb dropped. They asked us what we wanted to do with the baby’s remains. Evidently in Minnesota you get your baby back, and now we have to make funeral arrangements, possibly pick out a name, etc. Needless to say at that point I asked for my husband, and lost my strong exterior. :) I didn’t think an early miscarriage would warrant funeral arrangements, but in MN it does.
Anyway- that’s something we’re not dealing with right now, we have 45 days to figure it all out and we’re just trying to get through the day right now. I went through the surgery, my doctor did it and hung out with me before. I woke up and felt like a completely different person. I woke up and was WIDE awake and ready to leave. The nurse said, “Aren’t you bright eyed?” I immediatley asked to eat, to move, and when I got my husband back. It wasn’t very much longer when I had graham crackers, a DIet Coke (which yesterday I could NOT even smell let alone drink and I swallowed the can whole) and as my husband walked towards me I smiled and waved at him.
He looked very confused, but relieved. ::) He was ready to have to carry me to the car I think. We left, and got my meds, doinked around at Target, and then went out to eat. I ATE FOOD…I had barely eaten for three weeks and I was hungry. In the scheme of things, how I felt was such a blessing, and I was so grateful that I at least felt great. My recovery has been NOTHING. I have to take TONS of meds, but the boy helps me remember, and today I take my last pill. I think my happy pills have saved my life. I have grieved appropriately, still slept well, and not been thrown back into any sort of depression. It makes me hopeful for the next baby, because I was worried about how I would cope after the baby. When you have this done your body reacts as if you did just have a baby, and while I feel a little all over the place sometimes (ie - instantly MAD, or bawling) I don’t feel looney. This is VERY good.
As for the baby, it’s so difficult. I wanted the next baby close to Grant, and 21 months is how far apart AJ and I are…I got pregnant on the first try pretty much this time, and we just felt so HAPPY. I can’t tell you how it feels to hold one baby in your arms and another in your tummy. I just felt like I ruled the world in between barfing.
We have our good days, where we’re grateful for the baby we’ll have in heaven, and for little Grant. But then we have our bad days, where we’re just so MAD that we have to do this, and MAD that we have to fight so hard for every little thing lately. Right before this, the boys Mom took another job and decided MN wasn’t the place for her. It was confusing, because while we were happy she’d taken another job that got her out of a REALLY bad situation, we were left with a house to rent and pay for that we hadn’t anticipated. The raise the boy got which was going to help dig us out, now just makes it so we can stay afloat again. We’ve had lots of tears, lots of grumpiness, and we’re learning to navigate the waters around each other as we do it. I think we’re managing well considering, and are trying to be really smart about everything. Before we make any decisions regarding when to try again, and in regards to the funeral stuff we’re trying to greive, but some distance between us and the grief so we can think clearly.
And Grant is crazy by the way….he’s not such a baby anymore which we are mourning HARD too. He says Hi to everyone now, and points, and sings little made up songs, he dances, yells DADDY when he wants Greg…he’s into pens and paper and the Backyardigans are the best thing since sliced bread. He LOVES THEM, LOVES THEM. He has a little dance he does when they come on and everything. He’s MOMENTS away from walking. He pushes everything accross the floor and walks with it, and he’s starting to balance alone. It’s SCARY!! We were both SO happy to have him come home. Our lives are just too quiet without him.
So that’s our life these past weeks. I have one little daycare boy part time, and I just landed three more part time so I think if it works out I may have my daycare situation set. We’re heading to LA the 22-24th, then the boys Dad will be here for four days, and the IT’s SEPTEMBER….where the heck did the summer go?
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