Milieu of Me

I used to work at the trauma center in Ames, the battered women’s shelter. It to this day remains the most fulfilling experience I have ever had, and I’ve been looking to volunteer again here in Minneapolis because I believe God is calling me to do that sort of work again.

As I’ve been walking through my spiritual journey, and my personal return from the abyss of depression, bipolar…whatever we’re calling it. I call it the time I was touched by the not so friendly people. Okay, I need to work on a funnier name. (I will take suggestions.) One of my friends asked if I’d visited any padded rooms lately, and I laughed out loud….

Anyway I digress. I was in therapy this week and came across the sole reason that I’ve been so upset about my sister and the creep. It involves a situation where the creep was drunk, and tried to force himself upon me. And we aren’t talking about a simple, “No Mr. Creep I will not have intercourse with you and your diseased self.” It was a humiliating experience where I was told to touch him in certain places or I would not be able to go home, and where he was grabbing me and pushing me, and let’s just say even though the creep is a little man he’s strong. I was fighting him away from me and screaming at him, and it’s still haunting me. Mostly because I was supposed to be able to trust him, and you get where I’m going with all this.

Now this happened about the same time I was dating Travis, so that will tell you my mental state at the time. It seemed at the time a very little blip compared to what I was going through with that piece of work and I knew that the creep was black out drunk. When the creep found out about what happened, through my girlfriend who was horrified, he called and said, “I can’t believe I did that. I don’t even remember that. If I did that to you, I wonder who else I’ve done that to.” He said it like I was the most disgusting person on the planet, and he got dirty from me. Nice.

So I suppressed it, and went on with life, because I couldn’t handle what he had done. Our relationship began to fracture after that, and slowly but surely it became what it is today.

I was in therapy and had a light bulb moment where my therapist said, “He tried to rape you.” And I said “No he was drunk, and…” and she said, “You’re right, but that’s called attempted rape, even if you relented, you didn’t consent.” I was shocked, and just sat with my mouth open. “That’s why you cannot cope with this, you relive your experience every time you even think about him.”

Huh. SO I called my Mom to tell her what was really going on, and before i even talk to her about this, she says that my sister and the creep are moving in together. They’ve been dating for four months. So I bawl and tell my mom everything. She tells me I won’t have to see him anymore and she and my Dad are going to take care of it.

I’m hoping she means it. Regardless I’m not going to, and if that means that I have to see less of my family then so be it. I won’t relive this anymore, and I am certainly not going to go through him embarrassing me in front of the boys family. It’s very ugly, and I hate the ugly.

In happier news I g-chated with one of my church friends today, and we’re going to sit together on Sunday. How cool is that. I have friends. Now watch me do my new friends dance.

Hehehehehehe.