Milieu of Me

Six weeks to go….

That sentance is much more powerful than it looks in writing. It’s changing the very foundation of a life I created and have lived for the last two years, and I love it. I have not felt so much love and so much hope for my life since I got married. It’s such a blessing to be able to look at your life and love it. I am trying really hard not to take this part for granted.

So an update in the Feeb department. I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Things had been going so well. I was so impressed with myself Monday. I was six weeks from birth, no swelling, I was sleeping comfortably through the night, the baby was crazy busy, and I was telling everyone that me and my perfect Feebus were just fine. I felt great, I’d adjusted to being so big finally and was TOTALLY ready to coast. I was CERTAIN that the last six weeks the boy and I were just going to coo at the baby and then I would have the baby.
I’ve been REALLY tired though. So much about three at work I could fall asleep.
Then Wednesday hit, and my entire body started retaining water. My ankles started swelling and they are HUGE most of the time now. Putting my feet up doesn’t help, and the things that really bother me is my hands. I am almost to the point where I can’t wear my rings which is pretty much the saddest thing ever. I WANT TO WEAR MY WEDDING RING. I don’t ever not want to wear my wedding ring. DUH. I’m married, and that ring means a lot and I want to wear it. Right now I’m throwing a fit and wearing it anyway, which my husband hates but I don’t care. I’m going to get it stuck on. And I can just feel the water in my hands, so typing or writing is kinda uncomfortable.

I went to sleep finally around 12:30 last night, only to be woken up at 5:30 ish by a squirmy Feebus who wanted to play. Feebus decided I was unable to go back to sleep.

My legs are hurty and crampy all the time, and if you thought I waddled before you should see me now. It’s so uncomfortable to even sit. My body is just hurty again in a way I can’t explain. Well it’s like your growing an eight pound baby that squishes all your organs.
The two things I’m not handling well:
1. Sleep deprivation. I have a lot to do this weekend, and it was going to be tiring enough. I have a lot of miles to waddle. The boy sister is graduating and the entire family is going up to Wisconsin along with us. We have a lot of Ashland things we want to do, because we love Ashland and it’s kind of the last hurrah.

2. And the worst part, Feebus is slowing down. Now the doctor, who I called in a panic Wednesday, says because Feeb’s so big now it’s normal for his movement to slow down and she said he just won’t be as active becausae he’s bigger and I’m about get A LOT more tired.

Okay, who arranges this? How can your baby grow up before it even gets here? I didn’t think I was bonding very well with the baby, in fact I had been kind of worried about it. I’m still really scared something is going to happen and I’m not going to REALLY have this baby, and I think I’ve been holding back a little because I’m just so scared about it. Then this happened and I was totally bawling in the car because the baby isn’t going to be all crazy anymore because he’s almost here and I just coudln’t believe it. And then I realized that I can’t create a bond with my baby because it’s just already there. It’s something God makes for you, and you just don’t even realize it.