Milieu of Me

Being on vacation is so nice.  I’m so relaxed I’m almost comatose.

The boy’s mom got a WII and we’ve been playing it.  The wee one is running around, squealing constantly because Daddy’s around to play with.  I’ve found wireless internets to steal.

Life is good.  Going out to dinner with the fam tonight, and tomorrow is Grant’s birthday extravaganza.

Only kink…I have a friend with four kiddos who broke her foot.  Offered to take her kids to the park on Tuesday’s.  Last Tuesday we were Grant free, and I asked if she would allow me to do it this week instead so I could have a break.  Then this one Grant was puking.  She’s totally sweet and gracious, just tired and worn out and I feel so blinking guilty.  I think I should have taken her kids last Tuesday anyway.  I just hate it she’s burned out, and needs help.  I know that feeling and I wish I could fix it.

AH THE GUILT.

Anyway - Grandpa Mike to arrive soon, wee one sleeps, five hours until dinner.  Must commense the doing nothing.

This is what I’m talking about.  I’m not saying ANYTHING racially motivated about Obama.  For the record, if I were voting on the basis of race I would be a jerk.  I just wish we could vote for people on the basis of the character!!!!

Race in Voting

I don’t know WHAT my problem is.  My days of being cool about this whole buying a house process…OVER.

This morning, I had a freak out of mass porportions starting when my husband emailed me asking to call the mortgage company and lock in our interest rate.

No biggy.  I called and talked to Cindy, who mentioned that they tried to send the appraiser over to get the appraisal, and he was told they couldn’t do it until the tax stuff was straight.  My red flags went FLYING.  I FREAKED.  I call the boy and between breathing into a paper bag, asked him to repeat WORD FOR WORD his conversation with our agent about it.  We signed a paper yesterday stating the seller agreed to pay of the commercial tax debacle, and we would pay half.

The commercial real estate debacle for those of you who aren’t aware.  The house is now zoned commercially because it’s being used as a business ( a treatment center ) theoretically, we were supposed to be able to switch it to homestead as soon as we were living there.  The seller agreed to pay the difference between commercial and homestead in 2008.  When I called the county, the said we could do that but it wouldn’t change the tax rate until 2009.  That’s a problem, because commercial taxes are MUCH higher than real estate.  I called my agent, who had already called the county and found this out.  She assumed the seller knew, and that it wouldn’t be a problem.  She called and found out the county had told him differently and it was a problem.  The seller didn’t want to pay taxes on a place he hadn’t owned for a year or more.  Our real estate presented it to us, that because we were getting such a good deal on the house we should just eat it.  UM NO.  We pushed back, stating that the agreement we signed stated he would pay the difference, and legally he has to pay it.  We don’t have that kind of money LAYING around, and it’s the principal.  He should have figured this out, and sold it in time to avoid.  She talked to their agent and they agreed since technically it is not his fault, nor ours…it’s THEIR’S, that we should each pay half.   The boy and I reluctantly agreed, since we’re nice.  Now we’re just waiting for him to agree.  Otherwise we can sue him.  Which we don’t want to do.

Anyway - back to the story.  So the boy is telling me what she said.  I said, “Did she and the other agent decide this and they still have to ask him, or is it a done deal?”  He says, “They haven’t told him yet, he’s in Utah for three weeks.”  I panic.  Them not letting the appraiser in makes me think something is wrong.  So he calls our agent back, tells her, “My wife is peeing herself…what’s going on?”  Turns out they both kept the appraisal on hold due to the fact that if we were going to have to pay the whole thing, we’d have to use a different bank for our mortgage since Ted won’t do it.  (Sidenote:  Ted is our AWESOME super cool mortgage guy, who told me, “Don’t you DARE pay that.  That’s not something you should pay.”  Then he threw his weight behind it in order to force the seller into agreement.  I lurve him.  He is on our team.)  If we used a different mortgage company, then we’d have to pay for a second appraisal, and that money is money out of our pocket.  She’s confident he’ll sign because, otherwise he’d face a lawsuit.

I don’t like this part.  It feels icky.  This is why we walked out of the 2nd offer, because the people were being weird like this.  Now we’ve invested too much to walk out, but I don’t like compromising good character for business purposes.  Plus we have to meet this guy at closing.

SO I’m not going to feel okay until that sheet gets signed, but she promised she’d call ASAP.

SO THEN the mortgage company sends over our paperwork.  Thank God for email or we’d be killing trees by the forest.  The closing costs are ASTRONOMICAL.  No problem.  The kind of mortgage we have, the seller pays it.  HOWEVER the amount is $650 over the amount negotiated.

I checked out all the fees, and from what I can tell they are all legit.  It’s just frusterating.  My husband specifically asks everyone if there is going to be any more checks to write, each time we have to write one.  They say no, and now we’re going to have to write ANOTHER one at closing.  I’d rather put that money into the house.  Or in my savings account.

At first when I looked at the fees I thought it was over.  I saw that amount, and it made my blood run cold.  I just forgot what we were doing for a minute.

This is the craziest ride.  BUT I’m thinking I’m just freaking because I just want it to all be wrapped up and smooth so that I can wait my 30 days and move into my house.  We’re so excited about it and everything it means for us.  I think I just realized I don’t want to deal with another heartbreak.  And with AF not showing up, even though I’ve been off the provera for six days…I’m scared.

Scared that I’m not going to get pregnant.  That I’m not going to get to live in our house.  Scared that it’s out of my hands, and that life has been crappy in that department before now.  I’m scared that I started hoping again, and scared that I’m setting myself up to lose.

I think terror is the more appropriate word.  I’ve been thinking about Grant’s party last year, when we were thinking about this year and the baby we’d have.  We won’t have him.  We won’t have her either.  And it breaks my heart all over again each time I think about it.  I know that milestones are going to induce the grieving process again, and I just thought I would be more solid than I feel.  I thought I would be pregnant.  I thought I would have it all figured out.

I guess I have to learn to let it go.  I just don’t want to.

Well yesterday morning Grant woke me up puking.  My first thought…NO.  No, no, no, no!  We’re leaving for Iowa tomorrow, and any sickness we bring with us ALWAYS infects the boys family.  When I walked in my little man was crying pitifully and covered in bright yellow vomit.  So were his sheets, and the carpet by his crib.

It was NASTY, and heightened by that oh so pukey smell. I think I just threw up a little in my throat just thinking about it.

I took his temp, and it was 99.6.  A low grade, that signals to me, his little body is fighting an infection.  Ick.  I thought okay, we’ll just wait it out.  I didn’t give him tylenol, because he didn’t seem too miserable yet, and I’m of the school of thought if you can bear it your body will fight it.

So we spent the morning cuddling on the couch, and within feet of one another.  I thought I felt myself starting to fever as well, but I ignored it.  By the time the husband got home, the wee one was ready to wrestle and wrestle they did much to my chagrin.  Then everything was okay until bedtime.  He went down without a fight, but soon was puking again and fevering.  So we medicated him and he slept until 6.  When he was fevering again.

I didn’t give him tylenol until 10:30, when he threw a fit and didn’t come out of it, just laying on me and crying.  Since then, he’s played animatedly, then sat with me begging for a movie and cuddling like crazy.  I am feeling pukey today.  And fevering like crazy.  I am shaking, tired, and HOT.  I’ve been sweating like a crazy person.

My husband the furnace, was too “in love with me” not to lay his hot limbs all over me while I was trying to sleep, even after repeated attempts to explain to him that he was not doing anything but making me hotter, and want to die.  He would do drive by touching, laying his leg over me, rolling over and hugging me quickly, stating, “It’s just for a second, so you won’t be pestered.”  Nevermind it was like laying a hot poker on my flesh, and just feeling so crappy I DID NOT WANT TO BE PESTERED, especially after having a hot little body draped on me all day.

Ugh.

But like I said we’re doing much better today, so I’m confident by the time we leave tomorrow we’ll be fever free and ready to party.  The boy took the rest of the week off starting tomorrow, and we’re SO EXCITED.  A five day stint with daddy is going to be so fun!

So I probably will be off the internets until we return.  Full of crazy family stories I am sure. :)  Happy Independence Day!

We’ve been having some interesting conversations as of late in our house. A lot centered around this topic. Men and church. We’ve left a church we attended and loved, well I loved, because of this very issue. In many respects in that church the women’s ministry was hopping but the men’s left a lot to be desired. I want to honor my husband’s desires to fit in with his church family, and his desire to be filled and active in a church using his abilities. I find it interesting that this isn’t isolated to our family, or our former church. I think it’s something people like us, trying to set up a more traditional family unit, are struggling with. Especially women. I personally know that there are all too many moments where I emasculate my husband, I know he’s overloaded with the demands from work, and then the demands of home. There is still little that I, we do but raise our expectations.

It’s especially troublesome for those husbands who do want to assume the head of the household responsibilities, but find themselves without mentors, programs, or help to do so. Men oftentimes are held to a standard, and expected to just figure it out.

It’s an interesting topic, and further resources can be found at the following links:

http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/ChurchAndMinistry/menhatingchurch.aspx
http://www.churchformen.com/
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1582863/Modern-men-feel-emasculated,-study-claims.html

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=59962

http://www.paulcoughlin.net/

We are all reading the headlines and seeing even some of our friends impacted by the state of the housing market.  Whether it’s people paying mortgages they can’t afford, two income families wanting a parent to stay home but they can’t afford it, bankruptcy, foreclosures, it’s reaching epic proportions.  There is a huge debate going on whether the government should step in or not, and it’s a hard issue.  One might argue, you make your own bed, and now you lie in it.  However, I know too many people personally affected, to many personal stories, to much heartache to say that anymore.  Plus that’s just a jerk thing to say isn’t it?  I know when I’m in a bad situation the last thing I want to hear is, “TOUGH.  Deal with it.”

We’re in a position where we are taking advantage of the market.  The housing prices are finally low enough that we can get in.  In a four bedroom, rather large house in the twin cities, almost $125,000 under the median sales price of a year ago.  It’s amazing to me that we’ve been able to do it.  It’s more amazing to me the mentality of people trying to sell their home.  The amount of money their losing.  The people who just want to refinance but can’t because of the backlash.  We’re also experiencing that.  Because of the mortgage industry tightening down, we’re paying 1.25% APR above what was considered normal for a 30 year fixed rate.

The housing market if nothing, is a mixed bag right now.  I’m watching the economy and the markets closely, trying to decide when to lock in our rates.  We can’t decide if we should just lock in right now, before they jump again, or if we wait and see if the government is going to help.  Republicans are blocking a lot of legislation that would help people, and Bush is threatening to veto one minute and telling congress to hurry up the next.  It just so in flux.  My hope is to lock in tomorrow, and when the market recovers (perhaps when someone gets elected?) that we’ll see we’ve made a sound investment and in a few years can refinance if advantageous.  Of course, that’s exactly what people buying with the risky mortgages thought too.  Luckily we’re not in a position that if the rates only go up, so will out payment.  We’ve luckily been granted a 30 year fixed rate, so the only thing that could happen is our payment would stay the same.

Our savings has gone into our home.  Things are tight, and I say that with a smile.  This time last year when I said that, it was because my husband was working an extra job, and we couldn’t make bills.  Now I say that because of perspective change.  To us, tight means lack of savings.  We can pay our bills…and then some.  So here’s our plan to get untight…

1.  $2000 emergency fund - this comes first and foremost because let’s face it- the furnace blows out, the car breaks down, and the Swan family always comes up against this kind of stuff.  Over the last year we’ve paid CASH for those kind of things because of our savings.

2. After we have that then comes 6 months of savings stashed away in a money market account.  This is the kind of security we dream of.  That if the boy lost his job, or couldn’t work, etc we’d be able to cover and not flounder all our bills and not lose our little house.

3. Retirement.  This is kind of an ongoing thing.  Currently we put $50 per month away in Grant’s college fund.  By the time he graduates we’ll hopefully have increased that but for now we know he’ll have his first year paid for, if we just keep doing that.  We’re also going to start an IRA account, and 401K contributions because the company the boy works for matches contributions.

4. Pay of ALL debt.  Right now we don’t have a car payment, the only payments we have are student loan payments.  The first goal is to pay of the student loans, then the mortgage.  Once we have those it free’s up those payments to go towards retirement, savings, and college fund(s) since hopefully we’ll have more children by then.

5. Pay CASH FOR EVERYTHING.  This means cars, everything.  Right now we are putting off buying a second car (even though I complain CONSTANTLY about it) because we don’t want another car payment.  Hopefully my husband can keep me hanging on to this one.  We bought our second car with cash last year, and we’d like to do it again.  If you put the car payment you’d be paying into a savings account that pays a higher interest amount, you can save the money in less time you’d be making car payments.  Not only are you saving interest, but you’re giving yourself some leverage at the car dealers.

I’m not good at this stuff.  My husband is only slightly better.  We’ve struggled to make the turn from debt, to debt free living, but we’re on the right road.  We’ve got LOADS of improvements to make, and I am the one who mostly has to make them.

In case you’re not convinced about the foreclosures, and housing markets.  Go on your local craigslist.  People are selling EVERYTHING in their house.  I’ve been scouring ours researching the prices on used washers, dryers, microwaves, dishwashers because we’ll need to buy them when we move.  People are selling EVERYTHING.  Their furnaces, light fixtures, kitchen cabinets.  Then go look at foreclosed houses like we have been.  The houses are shells.  People are desperately ripping their houses apart for the money their kitchen knobs will bring.  The flooring even.  It’s ridiculous!

I’m not starting a debate on who’s fault it is.  I’m just saying we’re there.  With credit card debt amounts still reaching epic proportions what can be said is it’s time to make a change.  Whether anyone else can, is their own issue, but I know our family is tightening down.  No more Sunday dinners out, one car until we can pay cash for the next, planning meals and buying what we know we’ll eat THIS WEEK.  While I am supposed to be eating organic only, I’ve switched over to buying healthy things at Wal-Mart, until I can afford to switch the whole family over.  We bought a older house that we can modify over time, instead of building one. (Not to mention the environmental waste that arises from building one.)  We shop for the things we want at garage sales and Craigslist now.  Grant doesn’t car if his truck is new, as long as it’s got wheels.  And let me tell you, buying them at $.25 a piece is MUCH better than $5 new.

I’m not saying we’re perfect.  We did buy a new couch, often times we throw out moldy fruit.  We’ve eaten out when we’ve said we weren’t going to.  Bought things on impulse.  Instead of it being the end of the world, it’s about learning.  Understanding that while eating lunch out for $40 is fun, it’s much more economical to fix dinner at home for $10 or less.  And it’s NOT easy.  I would much rather eat out on Sunday’s than come home and make a huge dinner.  I would much rather have my child playing with new toys, than secondhand ones.  For me it’s a pride issue.  A large one.  There are underlying reasons why I think I need the things I need.

Wow - okay I veered off into left field, so back to the issue at hand.  I know everyone’s situation is different and personal, and none of my business.  I’m just saying there is a huge problem going on right now, and it’s crazy.

Sometimes in my life, I come accross the most amazing people.  I still am amazed each time I meet a super cool Christian person.  I don’t really know why, but I just always think two years ago in November I was baptized, and since the people and minsitries that have come into my life just feel put there by God.  It blows me away.

Unless you live under a rock, or don’t really read my blog (BUSTED) you know something about Todd Bentley.  He has been putting on a HUGE revival in Florida, it’s rocked me.  Each time I watch it I get something, if nothing else hope that God is here, He’s alive, He’s moving, and the miracles are coming.  There has been a lot of debate about this whole movement.  Is it real, is it legit, why is the crazy guy talking about kicking old ladies in the face.  Last Monday some of the Apostolic  leaders came to the revival, and laid hands on him, prayed for him, etc.  One of them was Bill Johnson.

I lurve me some Bill Johnson.  He’s very close to my heart, because when I was suffering through my PPD, my reality lines got all sorts of blurred by all this Holy Spirit stuff.  I didn’t, and probably still don’t, know anything about speaking in tongues, prophetic gifts, etc.  I was looking for something that would help me.  That would relieve my fears, and be real with me.  Between Beth Moore (WHO I GET TO GO SEE IN TWO WEEKS ALONE BY MYSELF FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS) and Bill Johnson these two wrote books, that changed who I was.  Along with my two bible study groups of girls who prayed for me, walked me through all my junk at the time.  Anyway - Bill’s heart is soley, only for our WONDERFUL God.  He’s blunt, straight, and exudes this Grandpa, no nonsense love that captures me.  If I ever met or got prayed for by him, it would just make me die on the spot.  I would faint on the spot.

I often am plagued by doubt on this revival thing.  I had prayed to God not to let me be led astray, and asked Him please let me know if this is true.  Then on one of my bloglines, I found the article saying he had been at  the revival praying for Todd.

God answers prayers people.  He does.  HE DOES!!!

So I’d been praying about the church we’d been going to.  I’d posted I’m not feeling it there, and while when we went without Grant it was better, I just didn’t feel free there.  I didn’t feel like anything was right, and I was having a hard time with it.

We did communion, and the pastor gave a little sermonette about getting right with God before taking of the bread and the cup.  The boy and I were excited, because we’d NEVER heard that before.  So we did our due diligence, and that Sunday became known in our house as, “CONVICTION SUNDAY.”  We were giggling about it, saying, “SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!”  We were happy.  We like being told things straight, and was impressed by all this.  The real sermon was about 2 Timothy, and gossiping.  GOOD STUFF.

Anyway - we went to the other church last night, and lo and behold the pastor taught about 1 Corinthians 11:20-29, but most specifically verse 29.  It’s as follows:

29For anyone who eats and drinks without recognizing the body of the Lord eats and drinks judgment on himself.

OH MY GOSH.  I looked at my husband when the verse popped up, and couldn’t even say anything.  That was the verse we had just learned about at the OTHER church.

He proceeds to give a sermon about how it’s wrong to teach that one must examine onself, as far as confession of sin. before partaking of communion.  He backed this in a lot of theology so hang with me for a minute.

He’s (in synopsis) saying that the word unworthy is where that idea of examining onself is derived from.  But the word unworthy here is an adverb, modifiying the verb.  It’s describing the action of eating and drinking the bread in an unworthy manner.  If we stop and look at the other verses before this you’ll see Paul was telling the Church at Corinth that they shouldn’t view Communion as a common event.  People were coming there, eating communion instead of supper, for example.   He was advising them not to eat and drink of the bread and wine in an unworthy manner,  and telling them to examine themselves for THAT, NOT their sin or other behaviors.

The pastor went on to point out, in looking inwardly at your own sin, you’re not looking at the Christ on the cross.  Christ was beaten, broken, pierced for that sin.  In fact God doesn’t even remember it anymore.  He then showed clips from the Passion movies.

OH MY LORD.  COULD THIS SERMON BE ANYMORE FOR ME.  The Passion movie, when it came out, grabbed me with every fiber of my being.  I couldn’t stop talking, thinking, about it.  I went the DAY it came out, God met me there in SO MANY ways….I even blogged about it.  I wasn’t even a born again Christian at that point.  I sobbed uncontrollably through the WHOLE ENTIRE MOVIE.  It was a turning point in my walk, because God touched my heart.  The crucifixion scene haunts me.  My mother used to cry during it and yell, “THEY COULD HAVE HELPED HIM.”  Scarring my little heart, besides missing the entire point.  That was God’s plan, and each time I watch it God tell me, “It was for you.  How can you doubt my love?  Watch this, and think about how much I love you.”  I went to the Ash Wednesday service at the church I was going to, and God did another cool thing there.  Tom my pastor, whom I love still to this day despite our theological differences, did a prophetic act of writing out all the things you wanted to take to the cross that night, and then we did communion.  More sobbing took place, but I digress.  The point is, this movie is a giant spotlight in my walk of faith.  It was the moment the lights REALLY turned on in my heart to move towards God in a new way.  A way of devotion, and serving Him.

So they play the scene where he was scourged.  I leaned into the boy, but he was so upset by it he pulled away from me.  God was working on him too.

I won’t go into the details of the physical punishment of the crucifixion, but I will tell you, that when he’s finally hung on the cross, if you watch that movie your first instinct is RELIEF.

I KNOW.  IT’S THAT BAD.

I once heard a minister say that if you take communion, looking at what Christ did for you and thinking about how terrible a time it is on the cross you’re not doing anything but leaning on your emotions.  From that time on I was only thinking about my own sin…and how great it is that God would choose to apply His Grace to me.

Last night I was set free from that.  I know that the heart that I have for Christ’s suffering on the cross is a gift God gave me.  That I feel such loss, compassion, distress, at his pain shows that I love my Lord.  I love Him so much, and feel so terrible He did that for little ol’ messy me, that I don’t have to doubt my love for God.  And isn’t it just like the devil to do that.  He knows he lost in the cross, he knows there is NOTHING more powerful than that.  If he can make you look at yourself, and not at God for anything THIS is the most powerful.

Now, there’s a whole discussion about the power in communion, etc but I’m not going there today.  I just know I’m once again smitten with God.  BLOWN AWAY by God.  In all my struggles over the past year, I have just prayed, I’m a mess, I’m screwing this up, it’s obvious by all the things happening and I just….PLEASE GOD BE HERE.

I learned last night, He was.  He held me during that operation.  He sweetly took my babies, and carried them away.  He cried and rocked me while I cried.  He let me mess up, because He knew me.  He knows I don’t learn anything on principle, just in action.  He knows that His love would carry me through, even when I didn’t know.  He knew all my doubts, would be tossed away, when I saw His love.  Through his bloodied, broken, sweet body.

The strangest thing isn’t it?  If I’d been going to the church I thought I was supposed to be at, I never would have sought Him like I have.  Like a crazy, deranged, hopeless lunatic…that I am.  I never would have heard this sermon and been delivered of a huge stronghold.

I could go on, and on obviously.  The funny thing is I OWN the Passion, but am afraid to watch it.  God’s prompted me to SO MANY TIMES, and I’ve said NO I CANNOT GO THERE BUZZ OFF.  So he brings it to me.  And friends this is the 20th AT LEAST church service I’ve been to where they’ve showed the footage.

I don’t pretend to understand.  I don’t know why I will go to the 4th of July this year without Gabriel and Ruby.  I don’t know why it’s just now we can find a house.  I don’t know why money is always an issue for us, and I don’t understand why the wilderness is the place to go to figure all this out.  I don’t care.  I know God knows and THAT IS ENOUGH.

It’s finished.  That’s all I need to know.

There is a major cleaning of sorts going on in our little Pants household.  The house has been trashed due to my unmedicated, remedicated, hormonal, ovary cysty state.  So this morning we started right in, and hit the toys first.

This has been a big source of frusteration, as each time someone comes to see Grant, he gets handed a new something.  Now, don’t get me wrong, we LOVE the gifts and attention.  We just realized that we were starting to get overloaded, and needed to wean out the things that Grant doesn’t play with, is broken, or things that aren’t feasible to keep.  We pick up things at garage sales that he loves, and my parents break the bank with all the toys he gets.  We were suprised to find this morning, that he plays with most of his toys.  Amazingly enough we weaned him down on garbage bag less, and the space and organization of the rest was enough to leave us almost a toybox empty!  Just goes to show that you neadn’t just get rid of stuff, sometimes you just need to organize.  So the toys are now good.

Now we have to go through our storage closet, and the stuff at the boy’s moms.  And the stuff my parents picked up for us at my grandma’s.  The stuff we don’t need anymore is going to be sold in a garage/yard sale that we’ll be having after we get settled into our new house.

We’re so excited for our new house.  Have I mentioned that? :)  We just can’t believe it somedays.  While the tax problem remains icky, we’re giving it God, and letting it go.  Worst case scenario, we have to pay it.  Right now they’re appealing to the county to try and get them to change it, so we’ll see.

Yesterday, we hit the free zoo in town.  The wee one has so much fun.  He knows all the sounds the animals make, and gets SO excited.  He wasn’t all that excited about Sparky’s show, but that’s to be expected.  I’m excited to take him back to Sea World next year….he REALLY loves aquatic stuff.

We went to church last night instead of this morning.  I love this church.  If it were at all close, we would totally be going there.  The pastors, the congregation, the music all just reeks the energy of God.  The wee one started cheering when we pulled in the parking lot.  That sells me right away! :)  We also saw a family we went to church with in town, and that was AWESOME!

Right now I’m just feeling very contented.  I’m wishing that this fertility stuff could get started, but I also know it’s so out of my hands.  I was hoping to be finished, if not half way through our first clomid go round by now, but I’m learning that God’s timing is ALWAYS better than mine.

Wednesday we’re heading to Iowa to spend FIVE WHOLE DAYS WITH FAMILY.  The boy’s sister and her wonderful husband are making the trip…I know it’s a big sacrifice for them and we’re just so grateful.  We’ll be staying with the boys mom, so Grant is just going to have a blast.  The boy’s Dad and Step-mom from Florida are going to be in town too, and we’re going to have a blow out 4th of July Birthday party at there house, followed by parades and fireworks.  While the fourth of july is going to be kind of bittersweet this year, it’s going to be the BEST thing ever too!  I’m hopeful that since I haven’t started the clomid, and the provera is out of my system I can be me.  Just me.  And enjoy my blessings.

That doesn’t mean I can’t be sad.  I will be.  And it’s okay.

I just am so aware of the passage of time.  Probably since wee one is turning two, and the house move is coming.  So many changes and adjustments…  They aren’t bad ones.  They just are there.

Anyway - today it’s gorgeous out.  The sun is shining.  The windows are open.  The wind is blowing.  I love summer.  Especially in Minnesota.

I’m not pointing any fingers here but something happened to my child.  He came home from my parents terrified of sleeping.  He refused to take a nap this afternoon, you saw what happened last night.  And tonight he fought me tooth and nail for two hours to go to sleep.

I talked to my mom and she says when he’d wake up they’d bring him out with them, whether it was to my mom’s room with the TV on, or with my Dad on the couch with the TV on.  I’m believing that because last night when I laid with him in the living room he was out in 3 seconds flat.

He’s so scared, and upset.  He’s giving himself diarrhea.  Which HAS to be changed, and he’ll tell me when it happens.  Tonight I finally parked it on the floor next to his crib and he reluctantly passed out.  NOT before waking up three times terrified making sure I was still there.

It’s horrid.  It’s THE WORST thing to do to a mom.  Have her baby crying for her, and not go to him.  Right now though I know he’s asleep I keep hearing him crying.  It’s torment.  It’s going to nix Grandma sleepovers I tell you.

All I can remember is how terrified I got at night when I was little.  I would go sleep on the floor next to my Dad’s side of the bed.  Some nights he would wake me up and make me go back to bed.  I got really good at making a sleeping bag out of the comforter, and hiding up under their foot board, so much so that sometimes my mom would freak when she couldn’t find me.  My sister did the same with me.  I think I may have another me on my hands.

It makes me worried about when we move.  He’ll be moving to a big boy bed then as well.  I am wondering if it’s not a good idea to switch him now….

It just breaks my heart.  I don’t want him to doubt that I will come and be there instantly when he needs me.  It’s too important, the trust between a mother and the child.  I think I’m broken in half.

Last night my child boycotted his life.  From 9 until midnight, his father and I fought him.  He did NOT want to go to bed so for THREE HOURS he screamed.  I got him up once, and read stories and talked with him.  Then at midnight, I finally just got him up and cuddled with him on the couch.

He was asleep in 2.3 seconds, and so was I.  I woke up at 4, and put him in bed.  He was up at 8:30.

WHAT DID MY PARENTS DO TO THIS CHILD?  I think they let him stay up until he fell asleep…and that’s okay except NOW HE THINKS HE CAN’T FALL ASLEEP ON HIS OWN.

The gnashing of teeth and wailing is deafening my friends.