Milieu of Me

So would you like to know the rest of the story?

My doctor went on vacation the week of June 1st. I went to my biophysical profiles that week like a good little girl. Monday morning bright and early off I go. Everything looked great; I see my FAVORITE nurse practitioner that I adore. The baby passed all tests with flying colors.  The boy and I grilled her about every possible worst-case scenario and what was going on. She answered all our questions, and I left that morning (the 1st) thinking I would be just fine if I were to be pregnant for two or three more weeks.

Then I went home, and almost fainted. My poor MomK was on a conference call, and I had to go in, and interrupt her and tell her I thought I was dying. She promptly put me to bed, and I slept for a while. I woke up not feeling better at all, so I called the doctor who sent me straight over to the hospital. Once there, I was monitored. They didn’t know what to do with me, as they so told me over and over…I was pretty annoyed at them, but whatever. The baby looked good, my blood pressure was fine, so home I went.

Then Tuesday came and went uneventfully. Phew. Wednesday, I woke up. Went to the bathroom, and there was blood everywhere. Went BACK to the doctor where it was determined I had some pretty serious hemorrhoids. TMI I know, but I just have to say, that I have NEVER in my life experienced pain or suffering like I did with those stupid roids that last week of pregnancy. LORD.

Thursday (the 4th) I was done. I was pushed to the limit, physically, mentally, etc. Between all the drama, and all the new stuff popping up I was just ready to have that baby. I went to my biophysical, and Grayson again passed with flying colors. We saw the nurse practioner, and everything looked good from her end too. I asked about induction, and she told me to talk to Dr. Block on Monday.

SO, we had a GREAT last weekend as a family of three. Friday I vegged out, and the boys went to a local baseball game. Saturday, we hit Ikea, were I (in vain) attempted to walk out the Grayson. If nothing else we ate some awesome hot dogs, and Grant ran like a loon. Saturday night we just hung out again. Sunday was church and home where the boy furiously prepared for a possibly pending baby. He washed the car seat, got the lower level all ready for Grayson, and just nested like crazy. I did as well.

Monday morning, I went in for yet ANOTHER biophysical. The Grayster passed with flying colors again, and I couldn’t WAIT to see my doc. I waited FOREVER, because she was at a C-section that morning when I got there. I almost passed out when they told me, but I kept my cool, and just waited it out. She FINALLY walked into our little room, determined the baby had REALLY dropped but I was STILL a 2. (I still can’t believe that, I was a 2 for almost 5 whole weeks!!!!) Then she says, “Do I have you on the induction schedule for tomorrow? I thought I did, but I can’t remember?” To which I responded, “NO but I would LOVE to be on it.” So we left, with an appointment to be at the hospital at 6 AM.

The rest of the day was a blur. I ran around doing everything I could think of, took a nap, and just was a ball of nervous energy. The boy finished up his last day at work before paternity leave, and that night we just looked at my belly, and were waiting! The next morning I woke up at 4…couldn’t sleep. I had to call the hospital at 5 AM to make sure they could still fit me in, and luckily THEY COULD. So at 5 we left and headed in.

The nervous energy started about then, and when they stuck me with the IV I handled it VERY well. Luckily they had one nurse asking me questions and another doing the IV, so I was very distracted. Then they started my antibiotics, my saline, and the pitocin. They asked if I wanted pain meds, and I said YES RIGHT AWAY. She laughed and said, “Let’s wait for a grimace first huh?”

Dr. Block arrived soon after, and entered saying, “AREN’T YOU SO EXCITED? I snuck in. I don’t think the nurses saw me or know I’m here yet.” and giggled. It was hilarious, and the boy and I laughed about it all day. So I had to use my call button to call the nurses to get them to come down. Then Dr. Block broke my water, and inserted an internal fetal monitor. The nurse said, “Okay we’re going to let you be for awhile, let us know if you start getting uncomfortable…you can have your epidural at ANY time.”

So the contractions started, and they weren’t unlike the contractions I’d suffered through for the last couple weeks. So I got brave, and decided I would wait awhile until getting the meds. Then my body started getting very angry about the whole LABOR thing. I started puking viciously.

Have you ever seen a lady with her water broken puke? It’s like a freaking waterfall. Every time I would puke, I would shoot water everywhere. Not like a little bit either. They kept coming in and moping it up off the floor, and I was so mortified. But I couldn’t stop puking, and the contractions SUCKED. You know the breathing they teach you in the classes. I always thought it was a bunch of crap. IT SO IS NOT. I breathed my way through all my contractions, and it really really helped. I wanted everyone in the room to just go away…including my husband. I made him go sit down where I couldn’t see him a couple times. Labor was everything they tell you it is. Including painful. I think I could’ve handled the pain, but the puking was what pushed me over. I last for about an hour, and called for the epidural. That was about 8:30 or 9 or so. I was a 3 at this point.

The anesthesiologist was the same one I had with Grant. My nurses (who were FABULOUS by the way, I cannot even believe how wonderful they were) came in and got me all ready, and I panted through contractions as he got all set up. It went a lot better this time, no blood on the floor, and it went faster. Or maybe I was just distracted? Either way, within 15 minutes I was feeling better. I couldn’t be on my back again, because for some reason it makes me almost pass out, but it seemed like at first, the epidural was working without making me not be able to feel my legs. I was VERY happy about that.

So down the road we go. I am flipping every hour, and trying to lay very still and sleep. My stomach was SO UPSET. It was debilitating, I’m telling you. The anxiety started to kick in, and it started when the internal fetal monitor FELL OFF THE BABIES HEAD. I’d never heard of that, and when I couldn’t hear the baby’s heart beat anymore I had a HUGE panic attack, and started worrying that the baby was not going to make it. Completely irrational, and shows you how much hormone I had pumping through me. Then every time I got sick I completely panicked, thinking what I’m not sure, but I think my body was just like ENOUGH WITH ALL THIS…and that’s where all that came from. I was a little unprepared for that, but I muddled through.

Then around 11 they checked me and I was a four to five. Then the boy and I decided the baby would be born around 3.  They came back around noon and I was at 8! The boy and I about fell over. I told him, that in about five minutes I would be pushing. About two minutes later I told the nurses it was time…the nurses who still hadn’t left because they had JUST checked me. They did, I was complete, and so they called the doc over. And then began the fun of NOT pushing, while feeling the baby coming down the birth canal with each contraction. I would breathe over and over, and the nurse would coach me through each time. Then Dr. Block showed up, and I started pushing!

Four contractions later, Grayson was on my tummy. No tearing, no pain, no drama. I could feel to push, and I did so. It was SO much easier than last time.

And I did a double take when they laid him on me, because he was so light. And then I looked at Greg and said, “My goodness he’s so LITTLE.” And he is a tiny little munkin. But at 12:39 PM, my 7 pound, 5 ounces, 20.5 inch, miracle was born. He squawked when he was born and that was about it for crying. The boy and I weren’t sure what to think about that, and in fact the boy asked the nurse after he was born, “Is he okay?” I took him and stared.

He has black hair but not too much. Blue eyes, and the sweetest little disposition. He only cries if he’s hungry, and that’s when he’ll let you know he’s perturbed. He’s tiny, adorable, and we’re just madly in love.

Breastfeeding has gone remarkably well this time. I fed him about 30 minutes after he was born and since he’s just eaten like a champ! I never even had to relatch him once! I did have some soreness issues but they seem to be getting better, and besides being insanely tired (like feeling loopy) it’s just really beyond wonderful. I feel like I conquered something huge, and I love doing it. I’m still trying to figure out being in public, and how to do that whole thing. We’ve spent a couple hours in far out corners in parking lots ☺

The hospital was fun this time almost. It was insanely quiet. We didn’t really have many visitors besides my parents, Greg’s mom, and Greg’s grandma. We probably would’ve had more if we called anyone, but this time we really didn’t do that. I think we just wanted to relish every minute and I didn’t think of it. It was like a vacation!

The transition for Grant has been harder. His entire routine has been upset, since Daddy is home. Plus we’ve been really lax on the rules, and I think that was the wrong thing. He’s a scheduled, boundary orientated kid and it’s REQUIRED. So needless to say the tantrum and attitude has been rampant. Luckily MomK pointed this out and the return to rules has provided a much calmer Grant. For a while there it was pretty stressful for Greg and I both. It’s hard to watch your kids struggle.

But Grayson is a SUPER easy baby. Making life super sweet. I’m doing amazingly well. I had my few overwhelmed moments at first, with a lot of anxiety. It was just a lot thinking about breastfeeding while still being so tired. But once I got into it, and it was so easy, it’s been cake. No worrying, no depression. I’ve had a few hormonal moments still, and I’ve cried a few times. Mostly, I’ve been able to step back and enjoy this little miracle, and that is just such a gift. ☺ This morning I even manned the two boys by myself while the boy went into work for a meeting, and it wasn’t stressful or overwhelming at all! Grant was quiet and well behaved, and Grayson was sweet as usual. Life is good, and I’m busy but blissfully so.

God is good. ☺

Holy hell. It’s been a rough month for me.

Everything has been relatively fine, and I’ve been holding it together rather well if I do say so myself.
Early labor. Okay, you have an infection fixed.
Oh the contractions aren’t stopping? Well, you’re just one of the lucky ones.
Oh the baby isn’t moving? Well…he looks fine!
Again with the baby not moving? Oh..still looks good.

Okay so enter yesterday. I was hoping that perhaps something big would happen, from all the contractions I’ve been having. I puked out the car window that morning…something I’m able to giggle about today. ☺ I walk in and the receptionist (whom I ADORE) says, “Dr. just left for a delivery…do you want to wait, or I can get you in to see the other doctor?”  I knew the other doctor was kind of a meanie pants, but I thought…what can it hurt? SO I got on her schedule and off we went. 45 minutes later she walks in the room. We exchange pleasantries and then she starts, “You are laying on your back, which is the absolute worst position that you can lay in. And I say that because your blood pressure is a tisch high.”

Ok, so then she goes into the whole pre-eclampsia thing, and what to watch for.  I ask if it could be brought on by all this labor stuff, and my miserable state. SHE LAUGHED AT ME, and said, “Uh, no. Being miserable does not cause high blood pressure.”

Then she went about the check up, checking my fundal height, and tried to figure out if the baby was head down by pushing me a whole bunch. She said if they can’t tell next week if the baby is head down then I need an ultrasound and said I was measuring right on. Even though last week my doctor said he’s head down.

Then proceeded to ask if I was those, “People who wanted to go to North Memorial.” Um, no. We aren’t. Then Greg asked about the baby not moving as much as normal. She said, “Why didn’t you say something before, all this time you’ve been waiting you could’ve been doing that.”

I just quit talking to her. I was DONE. WHO WOULD I HAVE TOLD? WHO? The nurse came and got me, took my blood pressure, and put me in a room. Never asks me if I have concerns or anything. UGH.

The she ASKED me if I wanted to be checked. Um, you’re supposed to JERKFACE I’m 37 weeks, with a history of preterm labor! Then preceded to tell me I was not dilated at all, after MY doctor told me last week I was, “EASILY 1-2.” The nurse at the hospital last Thursday said I was 2. She did tell me my cervix was coming down. She must have had a sweet moment.

Then they set me up on the monitors for the non-stress test. The baby was alive, but not moving. He didn’t even jump around after the doctor was pushing all over him. So they gave me juice and chocolate. Still nothing. So they used a buzzer, and got him to react, and then took me off and said BYE! I was like….ummmmm okay?

So I made an appointment on Friday for my blood pressure, and my favorite receptionist is gone so the mean girl does it for me.

Then we leave. My husband knows that I’m going to freak out, and just waits for it. I keep quiet and cry all the way home. Then I get home and see my MomK who takes one look at me and knows and I start BAWLING.

I KNOW, something isn’t right. I know it. I can’t make sense out of the appointment, because everything the doctor told me is the complete opposite of everything my sweet doctor told me the week before. And I’m horrified the doctor, the nurse, and the other receptionist treated me so rudely.

To make matters worse, after they buzzed him and got a reaction, HE STILL DIDN’T MOVE. I was horrified they just sent me home.

I bawled around about it for a while, tried to talk to my poor husband, who had no idea what we should do. So I called a different hospital and talked to them. They said call the doctor back and go back in.

So I cried some more. And my husband said just call.  I was worried about getting Dr MEANIEPANTS again, but the boy said JUST CALL. So I did, and MY DOCTOR was back on call. So she calls me back and says, okay….here’s what I think I’m going to do. An amnio, and induction. And I said you’re the boss, and off we went. It was like magic. ☺
Then we got there, and she’d changed her mind, which was of course TERRIBLY disappointing. BUT we did an ultrasound, had lots more monitoring, and a wonderful nurse who talked to us at length about everything. So while I was disappointed I wasn’t meeting my son last night, there was more to it than that.

They never got big movements out of him last night. And that’s totally uncharacteristic of this child. He’s always moving and grooving around in a big way. They did an ultrasound and looked at everything and he’s perfect, he’s even moving, just not big. The ultrasound tech kept asking me if I felt things and I was like no…and it started to get really annoying. I WANT TO FEEL IT, I’M TRYING HERE. And then the nurse started telling me about having too much amniotic fluid, and I’m just not getting all this. We didn’t get any answers other than come back as many times as you need to, and my doc has me set up for twice a week ultrasounds until Grayson comes. That’s all reassuring, but kind of not too.

I just find myself in this weird position of uncertainty. And I’m sick of it. I feel like I had earned my way out, getting pregnant FINALLY and all, and now I’m back here again and I’m pissed about it. I feel very entitled and I know that’s ugly but it’s true. Haven’t I been through enough here? When Grayson is finally born we’ll be looking at two years, two lost babies, and I’m just sick and tired of all this CRAP.
For instance, if all that was going to go down yesterday was it really necessary for me to puke out the car window TWICE yesterday? Is it really necessary today for all this bank stuff to happen? Does Grant have to be in a terrible mood and cry and fuss? Maybe I’ve had it to easy the last 9 months, but let me tell you…I’m OVER this.

And I’m struggling with God in all this to. WHERE IS HE? WHY CAN’T I HAVE A FREAKING BREAK, and where is He. WHERE. WHERE.

My husband told me last night I need to just quit. That we are so blessed with Grant, and our home, and everything and I’m just being a spaz.  I think it’s okay to be tired sometimes. And I am very very tired. And hurt because I am feeling abandoned a tad bit, and it’s hard to feel that on top of everything else.

I think I held up very well before yesterday with all this crap. And I think I don’t have to hold it all together all the time. And I don’t think it hurts anything to be a little mad.

So mad I shall be. ☺ Yay me.

I MADE IT!

I’m going to give you a moment to clap for me, because I feel like it’s quite the accomplishment.

And I’d like to thank my husband, who has worked tirelessly to keep on top of the house, on top of work which is crazy busy right now, and loved me anyway. And my fabulously wonderful MomK, who has occupied Grant, taken care of him, and just spoiled me with naps, free time, and house cleanings. These two are amazing, and I am just so happy to have them in my life. I’m a lucky girl.

Now – here’s hoping tomorrow when I go to the doctor, I will have progressed enough or I can be convincing enough, to warrant her giving me some pitocin and moving this party along. I AM SICK OF CONTRACTIONS THAT START AND STOP. They make me sick, make me grumpy and tired, and let’s just be honest here. My body doesn’t understand this whole create and nuture a baby thing. It thinks it’s going into labor, and then like sees a balloon or something and forgets what it’s doing. So we’ll see.

My sister evidently was at the hospital this morning, with 3cm dilated and contractions 6 minutes apart they sent her home. ARGH that wouldn’t be okay with me. I hate that stupid hospital. BUT that’s because my body doesn’t work according to the medical model, and I would be a lost little person in that sort of environment.

ANYWAY – so who watched Jon and Kate plus 8 last night? I watched up until the birthday party, when my DVR DECIDED TO QUIT TAPING IT. *HISSY FIT* then my internet quit working…so I couldn’t pull it up anywhere, but honestly I’d seen enough. I really enjoyed the show in the past because of how REAL it is. I liked that sometimes Kate made me cringe, and that it wasn’t perfect, and they continued with the theme last night as they showed how they are dealing with their marriage issues.

First it breaks my heart this is happening to them, because really…after raising these 8 kids for five years…they should be celebrating. Instead they’re barely talking to each other. The whole show they interviewed separately, and they ARE VERY ANGRY. WOW are they angry. There’s no communication between them, and they’re airing their grievances about one another on national TV. I don’t think they know what else to do anymore.

I wish for their sakes they’d take even a SHORT break, and get some counseling, talk to their pastor, and just reconnect a little bit. Book tours, TV shows, etc can all wait. Unfortunatley I don’t think they feel like they can do that, because it’s a business, and it’s kind of turned into a monster. Kate was talking about the kids calling her by the baby-sitters name, and I just felt sad for them at that point. It wasn’t a warning sign to her, and to me that just shows that she’s so busy trying to make everything work she can’t see anything in front of her.

Plus she’s devasted. The tears from her just stab me in the heart because she’s always so strong about everything, and you know having your husband hanging out with a 23 year old…cheating or not….just has to be awful.

And this is where I say, I can’t keep watching it. I’m just not into watching this kind of train wreck on TV, and honestly it’s just too sad.

So Grayson has really been moving and grooving the past days, and I’m trying to really savor it, and just enjoy the day. I just want to remember this time, because once they’re here it’s a whole new ball game. And I’m ready. So is Grant. He’s started telling people he meets, “My name is Grant, and I’m going to be a big brother.” and he talks to the baby, and I just want to see him with his brother.

Ahhhh – remember enjoying the day.

You know the month before June?

The month before the month I’m due in.

Holy Toledo folks.

First off May is awesome. Summer arrived, or at least Spring stuck around, and the boys have been outside PLAYING PLAYING PLAYING. My husband is in love with his yard. He sets the wee one up digging somewhere, and he goes off on various projects for himself. So far he’s drained, refilled, and rechemicaled the hot tub, restained every flower box, deck, and walkway, weeded and pruned every plant in the yard, planted various things, mowed, and trimmed. He loves it. The boys are both very sad when they come in at night. It’s adorable.

Grant has started a new phase of his life, the story telling phase. He tells us about everything in detail, and the stories are HILARIOUS. The other night he took his butterfly net into the porch and caught imaginary butterflies. He would bring me the net and we would ohhh and ahhh over them, and he would tell me what color they were.  IT, WAS, AWESOME. Today he told me all about the big bad wolf. Don’t know where he got that from, but it was funny all the same. Especially when he told me he read about it at the library, and then Grandma he read about it at school. It’s just amazing to watch him put everything together, and  become a little man. The time outs are few and far between, mostly because when he gets mad, he yells, “UHHHHH” storms off, and puts himself in time out where he yells about how mad he is. Then he comes back, and we talk about it, and it’s over. It’s pretty funny.

As for Grayson….he’s trouble. Last Monday I started having contractions. I knew something was up, but I didn’t know how much was me, and how much was really a problem. Finally around 4, when I could really tell they were coming, and could time them, I called the doc and they sent me over to the hospital. The nurses hooked me up to the machines, and nothing was showing up. I was pretty sure I was insane at that point. Then the little hills started showing up, and I got REALLY nervous. Both times I had this with Grant, nothing showed up on the machine. SO they gave me two shots of meds, they didn’t work, but they sent me home anyway. In the middle of all this, they tried to tell me I was Group B positive. I fought her on it, told her it was a mistake in my chart because they didn’t say anything to me about it with Grant. So they sent me home, said I hadn’t softened or dilated at all, and told me to take meds every 3 hours.

Tuesday came, and after taking meds every three hours, being up all night, I was still having them. Called again, went into the office this time, and the monitor didn’t catch them this time. The doctor came in and said, “You’re Group B positive.” I said, “Everyone keeps saying that, but they never told me that before.” The doctor said that they pulled it from my pregnancy with Grant so it’s right. (UGH reason 4,566,765,211 I would never go to my old doctor again) And then proceeded to give me a prescription for an enormous amount of antibiotic. My cervix was softened but hadn’t dilated yet.

So the last week I’ve been taking it, staying off my feet for the most part, and just waiting for this week. So we go in, the doctor tells me how proud of me she is (YES) and then says that she’d like me to make it to the 18th if possible. BUT at this point she knows the baby would be healthy so it’s okay either way. I’m now softening and dilated a fingertip, and still having inconsistent albeit still there contractions. Some days are better than others. It comes on sporadically and makes me VERY tired. I think the big piece is Grayson hasn’t engaged his little head in my pelvis. I think once he does, it’s all over. She’s not sure but she thinks he’s head down, so next week if she still can’t tell…an ultrasound will be in order. (Darn. )

It’s been hard. With the whole infection thing I’ve been really super worried something was going to happen, and the thought that something bad could happen to the baby has been STRESSFUL. Honestly I just want to hold him, see he’s okay, and get on with it. This has been the longest two years of my life, trying to get this child to existence, and I just WANT HIM HERE SAFE AND SOUND ALREADY.

I keep reminding myself that God said he’s PERFECT, and trying to relax, but it’s practically impossible. Today seeing the doctor helped, so I’m feeling more optimistic…but seriously I’m tired of all this. Let’s just go.

And my sister is dilated to two centimeters. We’re TOTALLY going to have these babies at the same time and my mom’s head is going to explode.

Luckily I have a super supportive husband, a wonderful live in mother-in-law who has just helped me SO Much with Grant during the day the last week. I don’t know WHAT I would’ve done without her.

So now we wait.

And the cats are going crazy. They know. Gizmo is rubbing his head raw, and Mandy will NOT leave me alone. It’s super funny. If they’re any indication I’m BARELY going to make it to the 18th.

My husband travels for his job. No big deal right?

Try explaining that to the girl who’s father never left home even for an overnight, the entire time she was growing up. Dad was home right at five, every night to eat dinner, and play with us.

Now, we had our issues as a family, so don’t let your mind wander off, but I’m telling you it really shaped me. Probably some good, and some bad to that.

Like being REALLY SUPER SAD EVERYTIME MY HUBBY WALKS OUT THE DOOR. Poor guy. But we worked through it, me understanding my husband’s feelings and expectations and vice versa.

Anyway – enter the arrival of Mr. Grant. It actually became not so bad when the hubby would go. He makes it a point to try and not be gone more than one night at a time, and now I have company, so I’m not so lonely. We made adjustments as needed, and often my husband would fly in and out of Des Moines if I felt I couldn’t swing single parenting by myself. We made is through PPD when they told him NOT to leave me alone – AKA – DO NOT TRAVEL, and he had to anyway. Through the night when I checked into a hotel while he was out of town because I was going CRAZY.

Anyway I digress.  My main concern was that my trepidation about my husband traveling would not impact Grant. I didn’t want him to feel like A) Mommy is a basket case B) We’re in big trouble if Daddy’s not here C) Develop any sort of resentment towards his father for anything. These things can happen, (see above mentioned family problems)

So my husband and I have worked very hard to make sure Grant is always more than okay. Me especially. Then in the last month, my husband has really had to travel A LOT. He has been away on two night trips every week this month. It’s been SUPER sad for all three (and a half) of us. When Sunday comes we all get cuddly and mopey. It’s pretty cute.

The AWESOME part? These trips weren’t well communicated between my husband and I. He thought he told me, my preggo brain forgets EVERYTHING, and so nothing has gone “TO PLAN” but he and I have been kind, and worked through it without a fight. We’ve been able to say how we feel and honestly it’s been awesome. And evidently for a reason.

Grant has figured out that Daddy is leaving. Usually when the hubby is gone, he sails right through. He may ask about Daddy, but never wonders or worries about it. Now he’s very sad. Three weeks ago when the boy left, he was SO QUIET. Like no talking. (This is very unusual for our little man, who we usually laugh about NEVER STOPPING TALKING) When I asked him what was wrong, he responded that he was very sad about Daddy not being there. It took a good day for him to come out of it, and then the angry came. He was angry, and fussy, and spent a lot of time in time out. Last week the same thing. This week we prepared him really well, my hubby put him to bed the night before, and told him he was leaving but was coming back. This seemed to work better, as when he woke up yesterday he told me that Daddy was gone, but that he’d be back, and we sailed through the day sans SAD. Now today we’re dealing with the angry again, and the acting out. He’s asked me ten times about Daddy, and gets so excited when I say he’s coming home tomorrow. “DADDY WILL SEE ME TOMORROW?!!?!”

We’ve explained a lot that Daddy goes away because that’s the job God gave him, and that he does that so Mommy can stay home and play with him all day. He gets that. He’s very curious about daycare, and we explained that to him too. It’s just very interesting to watch him sort all this out, and I’m hopeful that we’re doing the right thing here and he’s adjusting well. My husband NEVER travels this much. He’s never been gone so many nights over a month, unless it’s March because typically between SXSW and other client stuff it makes for a long haul too. AGAIN THE DIGRESSING….

My husband is trying to make it so that from May until six weeks after Grayson is born he can be here, with me and more importantly Grant. That transition is going to be a big one, and in order to make that happen we have to sacrifice a little now. It’s hard on my husband too. He’s exhausted, working long hours, and his little boy wants him and he can’t be there. We’re all sacrificing and making it work, and I guess I’m just really proud of us.

It wasn’t so long ago that this all would’ve been big drama and fight, and I think we’re just finally growing up. Now that our oldest is almost 3.

Oh my…I’m getting behind on my blogging. I know but most days, I’m having a hard time getting the stuff I’m supposed to get done done…let alone the fun stuff.

Well the latest and greatest…We are getting the roof done any minute now on the house as soon as the boy sets it up. We also are looking at painting costs, although I’m not sure how that’ll shake out. The first quote we got was astronomical, but the guy that’s coming tonight’s highest price was lower than that, so we’ll see. It would be nice to have that done, but we’d survive if not.

There’s been a lot of angst going around about political views, and I’d been REALLY super struggling with it. Then last week (or the week before) while at my parents I talked to my Dad about it extensively. He comes from a large family and we have a large family, and he reminded me of something that’s changed my whole perspective.

My brother.

From the time my brother and I were VERY young, we have always disagreed about everything. ALWAYS. The thing about my brother is that he and I will go at it about politics, whatever like we’re going to hate each other for the rest of our lives, and then five minutes later we’ll be fine. It’s just the way we work. And although I find his views abhorrent to say the least, I respect him. I really really respect him, and how he feels, and what his views are. And I adore him. He’s my brother! And we were doing it again while he was here the other night… We have FUN with it!!

So I’m figuring out that I’m really just taking other issues I’m having about feeling attacked, and HORMONES, and combining them and throwing them on the whole political landscape. It’s hard thing for me right now. I’m housing another human being, I’m feeling a little encroached in in life for various reasons, and the whole world thinks I’m crazy. Honestly though I’m learning that the people who love me, will love me and I can’t do much about it otherwise. Even if it hurts.

Grayson is huge. He’s moving constantly, flipping around like a goof. I’m exhausted and HUGE, and tired, and tired. Right now I swear he’s doing flip after flip. It’s a lot, but in a very good way. I can’t believe that next week is the end of April and then we’re at May. This pregnancy just blew by me, and it’s so unreal. The doctor let Grant do all the measuring and listening at my last appointment, and he had so much fun. He kept saying, “Is that my brother?” And talking about Grayson. This morning he asked where he was.

The boy has been traveling like a crazy person. He’s been gone every week in April, for 1-3 days. It’s been BRUTAL to say the very very least. But he’s doing it so that once May hits he’ll be home until at least 6 weeks after the baby is born. So it’s for a very good cause, and I just appreciate that he’s aware. Tuesday night when he got home, even Grayson was doing flips and going crazy he was so happy to hear Daddy’s voice.

So that’s us right now. I’m healthy and good. Getting around very well still, and just excited. We’re just plugging along anxiously waiting for Grayson to arrive. Hard to believe I’m 32-33 weeks and the time is coming soon!

If you had told me last year, that this year on my 29th birthday, I’d be turning 29 weeks pregnant…I would’ve said….I WANT TO BE HOLDING ANOTHER BABY BY THEN.

How much perspective does a year bring.

Saturday morning, I walked the halls of the hospital where last year at this time, I was lamenting getting my blood drawn for the beginning of fertility treatments.  Those mornings SUCKED because downstairs from the waiting area, the birthing classes were going on, and hugely pregnant moms were going down to get prepared.  This last Saturday the boy and I went to one of those classes.

*sigh*

The boy and I had so much fun.  SO MUCH FUN.  The class was terrible.  Let it be known that I am all about the miracle of modern medicine.  I don’t mind taking tylenol if needed, I don’t mind having a needle shoved somewhere if it takes away pain.  This is why I chose the hospital I have, and why I didn’t change hospitals EVEN THOUGH I probably had good reason.  I like that when I was exactly 40 weeks pregnant, and bleeding they just went ahead and induced me.  No biggy.  When my sister went in to have my niece, and was dilating they sent her home because until she was 4 cm, they didn’t feel the need to intervene.  I LIKE HAVING MY BIRTHS INTERVENED UPON.  The lady who taught the class was a natural birth advocate.  So was the lady who taught the classes we took for Grant.  Part of the reason I paid and took the class was to find out about all the medical stuff this time.  NO SUCH LUCK.  When I told her that I would be receiving my epidural upon admittance, she laughed.  And said, “You need ot have a back up plan in case the anesthiologist can’t get there.”

WHAT. EVER.

So in the spirit of that comment (thankyousoverymuchhippiebirthinglady) we listened and learned but I’m telling you…this baby…coming early, and I am going to be lucky no matter what.  The pain is fleeting, and I honestly just don’t care. I’m just tired of the whole natural is best movement.  And I don’t say that to be offensive to anyone who believes in it whole heartedly.  Grant is perfect, he was drugged by those evil epidurals and you know what….it’s not up to me anyway.

Oh the rambling. Okay, back to the original point.  The boy and I had an entire day alone together. A day in which we were able to focus soley on the impending birth of little Grayson. We got to cuddle, and listen, and think all about him.  We ended the class by going on a tour of the hospital. The room they showed us, was the room Grant was delivered in.

I stood there and floated outside my body a little bit.

And panicked a little bit.

And that’s when reality hit me like a mack truck.

I was having another baby. The monkey kicking me, is coming out.  In 11 weeks. Maybe sooner. Maybe like 8 or more.

She asked me a question and I barely heard her….but yes, it feels very strange to be back in that room. Mostly because the only thing I really remembered is the bed, the incubater thingy that Grant was in, and the squirmy little baby they flopped onto to me. The little tiny angel baby, that was never to be…

You know the one who now asks why it is exactly Mommy is not wearing pants? And tells me repeatedly to cover my belly, it’s huge.

And then I remembered the pain. Very vividly I remembered the pain. And I got dizzy.  I couldn’t see straight, and as I was getting my wits about me, I remember the aftermath.

And that’s been the scariest part. Not the first four months, I still remember crying uncontrollably to my husband about my feelings of inadequacy, and feeling the anxiety of not knowing what to do or why the baby is crying. That’s not what scares me.  It’s the dark cloud. The not sleeping, and feeling like death. It was dreading getting out of bed in the morning. The boy being gone on trips and I being all alone. It’s the fear, that stifling, unrealistic fear that I dreaded the most.

There are moments when I feel myself going back there. When I go hormonal, and I can step outside of myself and say, WOW YOU ARE BEING STUPID. Like yesterday, I was trying to be nice and get some stuff done so my sick husband could lay, and I yelled about dishes to myself. But if you yell, you’re not really doing anything but drawing attention to yourself, and he came in and I bawled for a good half hour because I ruined his sleepy time, and I just feel out of control. And I’m realizing that’s what the biggest issue is for me, lack of control.

Lucky for me I’m drugged, so when that happens I realize it, and can reflect and try to act differently next time. I can also CLAMP MY MOUTH SHUT, which I’ve done on numerous occasions. And I have a team. If I am feeling weird again, I just call some people. Do some medicine taking, and some talking and BOOM.  I’m okay.

In the meantime, the boy and I have decided this baby is coming early. His head is already measuring two weeks ahead, and I have braxton hicks like crazy. There’s a big debate going on about Will’s wedding at the beginning of May, and whether I’m going…so we’ll see what happens with that. Everyday I swear I am getting HUGE.  The other fun part is because I’d lost weight the baby looks less like a fat lump, and more like a basketball. BUT I CAN STILL FIT IN THE LITTLE PANTS I bought when I first got pregnant, and as of my last appointment had only gained 5 pounds.

YES. But this large baby, is sitting directly on my sciatic nerve I guess. Grant did this more towards the end, and it was more annoying than anything else. Grayson has decided to lay RIGHT on it or something, because the pain is unreal. I can’t get up, I can’t roll over, I can’t move certain ways without wincing or gasping..it’s BIZARRE.  I even called the doctor to check in about it because I started to get worried. So I live on a heating pad and tylenol.

And speaking of control, I’ve completely given up on worrying about church. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are plans that I cannot know or see. I can’t decide what’s best for me in that regard because God knows better than I. Instead of fighting, and missing whatever expereience I’m needing to have, I am letting go and letting God. Whatever deficincies I see, I need to have faith God will fill in the gaps. I’ve quit MOPS and Bible Study because all it did was stress me out with all the traveling and such we were doing. It’s given me a peace about church so that I can ENJOY church. The boy and I worried a lot about the nursery, and Grant went last night, and did just fine. One of our friends was in the room, and the “mean lady” was there but Grant did not seem nearly as traumatized as he usually does. The boy says that she just needed help, and perhaps he’s right.  It’s amazing when I let it go, God took care of it.

So now we’re able to focus on silly little decisions. My mom bought us an ENTIRE new nursery set. So Grayson’s room is a little farm room.  SO CUTE. We’ve got to get the border up, and the bed out, pictures on the walls, curtains up etc. Actually I scored a SWEET deal on curtains and blinds at Wal-Mart so the whole house has new blinds and curtains to go up. The only other things we really need to figure out are bottles. Honestly, the whole BPA free controversy really screwed us up.  We have a LOT of money invested in Avent bottles that Grant used, but now we can’t use them. The boy wants to switch to glass bottles, and I DO NOT. I can just see two rowdy boys shattering those. Silicone case and all. So I think that we’re going to just have to buy new Avent ones. Grrrr….

Anyway – that’s the latest and greatest from us. We’re all doing really great. March has been unbelievably busy, to the point that I don’t ever want to do another March again. Having a weekend to be together as a family was great soul food, and I’m looking forward to some more of those.

“The greatest impediment to your spiritual intimacy is your giftedness. Because you are gifted, you are going to be able to make life work within the church without ever knowing God well.”

So, here I am.  In Austin.

The boy is having a blast, being in his element and all.  It’s just a fun week.  I love watching him come and go with a HUGEMONGOUS grin on his face.  It’s so amazing to have the person you love, love what they’ve been given as a career.  God has just blessed us so much.  His job has been such an amazing blessing.  He’s gotten two bonuses this week too, which is amazing PERIOD, let alone in this economic climate.  I’m infinitley proud of him, he’s providing for our family, and he’s having fun.  Who get’s to do that?

Anyway – I am doing a WHOLE lot of nothing.  I’ve been to the mall, and the outlet mall, but otherwise….TV and laying about.  It’s fabulous.  I feel kind of like a slob, but then I remembered…next week I am in my third trimester.  Now I start sleeping all the time again, getting more uncomfortable, and just trying to cruise through until June.  I have a feeling that I am barely going to make it to June anyway.  I don’t know why, but I just have a feeling!

Anyway – I’ve had lots of time to think, and lay about.  It’s been so sweet for me.  I’m finding myself anxious to meet Grayson.  I was thinking as I was driving, that now instead of worrying, I am feeling kicks and punches, and dreaming about Grant playing with Grayson.  I even called my niece Grayson today.   It’s a good time of reflection, as I am missing Grant, and getting to look at my life with some perspective.

I have also been thinking about our angel babies a lot too, as had either of them lived here with us, they’d be turning one.  It was extra poignant at my nieces birthday party.  And then while watching the video of her taking her first steps.  I suppose it always will make me think about them…  I wonder what life would have been like, and I laugh at how crazy life would be with a 1 and a 2 year old…and I miss the oppertunity to know them like I do Grant.  But more and more I’m learning to trust God’s plans are better than mine, and look forward to Grayson’s arrival.

Otherwise, I miss my little Grant.  My family is having SO MUCH FUN with him, and my Dad keeps calling and telling me what a good job we’ve done with him.   They’ve posted videos on facebook, and just the sight of him is almost too much.  It’s bad enough missing him without all my mommy hormones raging.  I had the worst time leaving him this time, and I had lots of moments whereI thought about calling the whole thing off.   Not because of my parents or anything…obviously they’re wonderful, and Grant LOVES them.  For instance, my Dad got plywood boards and set up monster truck ramps on the stairs at their house.   And there are also some race car tracks that showed up in the videos.  Dad said he took him out on the tractor today…basically Grant and my Dad are two little peas in a pod.  Can you tell he’s been a little boy deprived?   I love it.  I love that my family and him are so in love with each other.

We have a busy weekend ahead.  We get back to the MN on Wednesday, Thursday morning we have another Grayson ultrasound to see if my placenta moved up like it’s supposed to.  Friday we’ll head south to get Grant (I just typed Grayson again ) and have family Christmas and a bachelor party that weekend.

Lots of traveling.  And now I have to get back to the TV.

This is an awesome tool showing what women go through during an IVF procedure.

Photo Essay IVF